Monday, July 31, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS vs CLE - Miracles Day 1

David Wells, is on the mound again? Is it really true? Rise and be healed David Wells, for you have been blessed, and so too have the Red Sox!

I really thought we had seen the last of David Wells, but it looks like the big guy is proving me wrong. Now lets see the good start we've been waiting for all season.

Demons of poor pitching, come out!

Sunday, July 30, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ ANA - Party Animal Day 1

"We're going streaking! Everyone meet at the park, it's going to be awesome! Curt, you can bring your green hat! Come on, lets go!"

It's a party at Fenway, and everyone is invited.

Friday, July 28, 2006

*MOJO* BOS vs LAA - Monkeys Day 1

Nothing entertains quite like our simian friends, and we certainly could use some primate love to counteract their "so 2002" Rally Monkey. Today, the lovable organ grinder's helper is around to remind the Sox to grind one out against the first of a group of 3 tough Anaheim (seriously, you're from Anaheim, get over yourself) starters. Just like Red Sox fans, the organ grinder's monkey doesn't need a scoreboard to tell him when to clap and cheer, he just knows it on his monkey instincts.

Jingle your little cup, monkey, and lets see the Red Sox donate some runs for you.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ OAK - Cryptozoology Day 3

Beware the long arms of the Kraken. The giant octopus snakes its tentacles, snaring any would be hits it its suction cups. There isn't a line drive or deep fly that is immune to it's tremendous range. With the Kraken as your Centerfielder, pitchers have their jobs made easy, with the Kraken taking care of the space from foul pole to foul pole, as well as 50 feet above the outfield wall, allowing the team to play 6 infielders. Doubles have been made a thing of the past.

Or at least they would be, if the Kraken were real. Which it isn't, which is excellent news for "Mr. Double".

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ OAK - Cryptozoology Day 1

Jason Windsor is a name reminiscent of majestic flight. Beware the giant thunderbird that is Jason Windsor, swooping down with it's 20 foot wingspan, capable of lifting deer, people, and even light hitting ball clubs up off the ground. The A's will need every bit of it's help when going up against Curt Schilling, and the thunderbird can... wait, what?

I'm being told that there is no proof the thunderbird ever existed.

Hmm... well, good luck then. Because I'll tell you something, I'm 92.3% certain these guys exist:

And they like their birds good and tangible.

Monday, July 24, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ OAK - Cryptozoology Day 1

The Red Sox must be very careful with the Oakland offense. Much like the Gippsland Phantom Cat stalks the plains of Western Australian, so too does the Oakland lineup lurk and wait to pounce on anything too foolish to approach. Josh Beckett and the rest of the bullpen better be incredibly careful not to awaken the big cat if they don't want to get clawed.

Of course, there is hope in Boston's efforst to square off against the fabled Phantom Cat. After all, no one has any proof of it's existence.

When he is on, it's pretty difficult to score runs of Josh Beckett. It is even harder when you don't exist.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ SEA - Iconic Cars Day 1

I hope Seattle hasn't gotten too attached to its watermelon carts, or its trucks carrying chicken coops. Because there is an orange streak of rebel spirit coming roaring over the next hill .

The General Lee always seemed to be careening out of control through the country side, as the Duke Boys once again sought to escape the long arm of Boss Hogg. While they seemed reckless and on the verge of crashing at any moment, each stunt was carefully planned and executed.

So while Jon Lester's stuff may seem like he is flying off the handle, or David Ortiz may seem like he is going to spin himself onto his ass when the bat ends up windmilling over his head, it is all a coordinated effort to bring the Red Sox another win.

That, and it's really fun to listen some country chase music and yell "Woooooo-Hoooooooooo!!!"

Saturday, July 22, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ SEA - Revolutionaries Day 6

"Do you want to know who you are? Don't ask. Act! Action will delineate and define you. "

Not all addition swill work out for the best. Will Kason Gabbard's Red Sox (and MLB) debut be more Jon Lester, or more Jason Johnson. Will he surprise like David Pauley, or will he never manage to catch on like Abe Alvarez. It's up to Gabbard himself to make that distinction, and today is his chance to do it. Regardless of outcome, just give it your all. After all, it was Jefferson who said:

"I do not take a single newspaper, nor read one a month, and I feel myself infinitely the happier for it. "

He may as well have been talking about WEEI and some of the less savory columnists in the Herald and Globe.

Friday, July 21, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ SEA - Revolutionaries Day 5

"It is not power that corrupts but fear. Fear of losing power corrupts those who wield it, fear of the scourge of power corrupts those who are subject to it, and the fear of never winning again corrupts those who are trapped in Kansas City."

The story of Aung San Suu Kyi is one of both persecution and perseverance. Held under various forms of house arrest since 1989, she was kept imprisoned by the Burmese military government, despite gaining a majority of votes in it's first National Election in 1990. She continues her vigil for democracy under house arrest in Burma to this day, with the Burmese government showing no signs of relenting, despite ever present international pressure.

Aung San Suu Kyi knows that if she ever gets her chance, free from the her oppressive environment, she will seize the opportunity and make her goals become real.

Today is your chance, Kyle Snyder. Stabilizing the Boston Red Sox rotation may not be the most important challenge facing the world today. Maybe not even fifth most. But don't tell that to the folks cramming the Whiner Line, they are the ones who need you now. You may not have great power, but even with a good curveball comes great responsibility.

Today's mojo subject was selected by Empyreal to combat alleged excessive white-dudism.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS vs TEX - Revolutionaries Day 4

"Certainty? In this world nothing is certain but death, taxes and Manny Ramirez RBIs." --Benjamin Franklin

Isn't that how it goes? It sure seems that way. Well, the Red Sox will need Manny being Manny today, with Ortiz out of the lineup following two games and only two runs scored (against the Royals!). Of course, Franklin has some good advice for watching today's game as well.

"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Amen to that.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS vs KC - Revolutionaries Day 3

"If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, go home from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains set lightly upon you, and may posterity forget that ye were our countrymen."

In other words: if you only are here to cash a paycheck, go wear someone else's laundry. Sam Adams is only interested in toppling the Royals.

Series Sweeps: Always a good decision.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS vs KC - Revolutionaries Day 2

Around 1159, Policraticus was written and published by John of Salisbury. One of the most influential books, not to mention the best-selling book of the Twelfth Century (take that Harry Potter), Policraticus was one of the first to put forth that if a monarch becomes a tyrant, it is justifiable to end his rule by murdering him. "As the image of the deity, the prince is to be loved, venerated, and respected; the tyrant, as the image of depravity, is for the most part even to be killed." Thus, tyrannicide was "honourable" when tyrants "could not be otherwise restrained."

What can the Red Sox learn from Policraticus? That knocking off Royals is perfectly OK.

Monday, July 17, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS vs KC - Revolutionaries Day 1

Remember, remember the 17th of July...

While that may not have the same ring to it, just as Novemebr 5th is still remembered as Guy Fawkes Day, so too shall a national holiday spring up when Tim Wakefield stops the Red Sox losing streak at one. Children will create life size effigies of Wakes, and enjoy shooting of "knuckler" fireworks (very dangerous bottle rockets) to celebrate.

But what does Guy Fawkes have to do with Tim Wakefield? They are both trying to knock off the Royals. (wokka wokka)

Good luck to all those stuck in the sweaty bleachers for tonights game, let's hope the Red Sox don't let them go home unhappy.

Friday, July 14, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS vs OAK - Explorers Day 1

The world was flat. Then Magellan sailed around it. Sometimes the entire world can be changed by the actions of just a handful of people, and the help of a little thing called "diversity". (In this case, "diversity" means an old, old wooden ship.)

We are not asking the Red Sox to change the world, just to change the current losing streak into a winning one. If Magellan can circumnavigate the globe, surely beating Barry Zito isn't that hard.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS vs OAK - Haircuts Day 1

Crew cuts. Straight, angled, no fuss and no muss to them. The crew cut says "I'm all business, and I don't care who knows it". For the man who is too busy studying game film to bother with mousse, the crew cut is the only way to go.

The sleek look of guys like Mike Lowell and Jason Varitek will be what propels the Red Sox to a strong start to the second half.

Now there is a haircut you could set your watch to.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ CWS - Lawmen Day 4

When fighting on the side of the law, there is no more important tool than information. The more you know about your adversary, the better equiped you are to defeat them. No one knew that better than J Edgar Hoover.

If anyone understands the benifits of having a file on everyone you may face, it is today's starter Curt Schilling. There are few players in the game who work as tirelessly at game preperation as Schilling and his batterymate Jason Varitek, and just like Hoover's FBI, it is as if they have a dossier on every player in MLB.

Someone is watching the White Sox, and it is the agents and scouts for the Boston Red Sox. There is no where for them to hide, and soon, the 7 All-Stars from Chicago will be taking the flight to Pittsburgh owners of a fresh sweep at the hands of the left out Curt Schilling.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ CWS - Lawmen Day 3

Upholding the law isn't always collecting clues and reading people their rights. Sometimes you have to go and take it to the bad guys. No one knew that better than Wyatt Earp.

Ozzie Guillen and the White Sox are a menace to society, and it will be up to Josh Beckett to go and set things right at the US Cellular Corral. Lucky for him, he doesn't have to do it alone, as he'll have a whole team standing by his side. He knows that if there ever is a fight, Jason Varitek and the rest of the team is is there to be his huckleberry.

The White Sox of course.... not so much.

Go take the field and show it isn't Lawlessness that rules the AL. If the White Sox were looking for a fight, they got one.

Friday, July 07, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ CWS - Lawmen Day 2

Top prospect Jon Lester has been impressive since being called up to the big club. He has been pitching with some success, and at times his stuff is downright electric, including a start in which he struck out 10 in only 6 innings of work. The only thing holding him back now is his command of his arsenal of pitches. Today's mojo comes courtesy of Jack Webb as Sgt. Joe Friday, the stalwart detective from TV's Dragnet.

"Just the strikes, Lester."

His name is Lester - he's a pitcher. And a damn good one. Time to close the book on win #2.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ TB - Lawmen Day 1

During the Prohibition Era, the street's of Chicago were ruled by notorious crime boss, Al Capone. After all, it's easy to stay on top when half the city is in your pocket, and the other half is deathly afraid of you. It takes a special breed to stand up to someone with so much power, and unfortunately for Capone, one found him.

Elliot Ness and his team earned the nickname "the Untouchables", for Capone's failed attempts to bribe them on to his payroll. No matter what Capone tried, he could not deter Ness and his team from their pursuit of justice.

It is this determination that the Red Sox need to end their 3 game losing streak against the Devil Rays. And what would go a long way towards making that happen is Tim Wakefield finding his trademark knuckler early, and giving it that "Untouchable" flutter to keep Tampa Bay off the basepaths, an area victimized by a crime spree after the last few games.

If they won't win it for themselves, won't somebody please think of the children.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ TB - Mad Scientist Day 1

Tonight's starter Jason Johnson has had a troublesome year. After losing his spot in Cleveland's starting rotation, he ended up getting traded to Boston for another shot at earning his paycheck. Those who have been watching him play have been unable to nail down exactly why he has had such a drop in performance levels, but they have also not had the awesome power of science at their fingertips. One merely needs to analyze his starts with the gigawatt processing power of my homemade computer.

Lets see: according to this, his problem is.... he sucks. While this would clearly be an insurmountable obstacle to your average WEEI caller, those of us in the super science biz know that this is a trivial matter. Or at least it is now, thanks to my new invention: The Desuckulator (tm)

Yep, a few days in this baby and he'll be as good as new. What? Gametime is in only a few hours? Well, I guess he'll have to not suck just enough to pull off the victory. Of course, if this works, we'll give it the real test of tossing Seanez and Tavarez in there, and then it's a one way ticket to fame and fortune for me.

Now dry yourself off and get yourself a win. Nobody likes a soggy pitcher's mound, much less a soggy pitcher.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ TB - Explosions Day 1

In honor of the holiday, let's see Schilling strikeout 7 guys in a 4 hitter, Ortiz hit 4 HRs for 7 RBI, Manny nail a guy trying to stretch a single into a double for the 7-4 assist, and for the Red Sox to win by a score of.... 23-0.

Happy 230th Birthday America!

Monday, July 03, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ TB - Tag Team Day 3

Day 2 was counted out due to a spur of the moment birthday outing on your host's part. However, the Red Sox took care of business on their own, and mojo is back to face All-Star Scott Kazmir and the Devil Rays.

Josh Beckett takes the hill, and the Sox hope he continues the trend of infusing some high-energy output with his electric stuff. And if there is any one who knows how to excite with their high-flying moves, it is Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty: the Rockers!

With a combination of their daredevil maneuvers and their athletic combo moves, the Rockers were one of the dominant forces in the WWF Tag Team circuit. And just like "the Rocker Dropper" took care of many an opponent, so to will Josh Beckett erase many batters in front of him.

Of course, some players may appreciate the high flying maneuvers more than others.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ FLA - Tag Team Day 1

Looies has much to be proud of, as 12 wins is the most mojo has managed to string together since "BelindaInThe8th" tied that mark in 1995 when he was writing a mojo newsletter that he would print and handout in Fenway Park before each game. This proved especially difficult for road games.

However, the time has come for Looies to make the tag out and for me to take back over the mojo duties. And with such a symbolic gesture leads us directly to today's mojo> After all what can be say about today's mojo other than "ohhhhhh, what a rush!"

Hawk and Animal made up the Road Warriors, one of the most dominating tag teams in the history of professional wrestling. They've won titles in every major wrestling alliance, and as the Legion of Doom have held the WWF belts as recently as (believe it or not) 2005. Working as a team, they were one of the best at a staple of the tag team genre: when one guy starts getting overwhelmed, make the desperate tag out and their partner barrels in and cleans house. If the offense starts laboring, it will be up to Tim Wakefield (the only member of the 95 squad still around) to keep the Marlins off the board. And if it is Timmy that gets knocked around, it will be up to Manny and the rest of the lineup to slug them right back. And if the match ends up being close, then it will be up to the Doomsday Device to finish them off:

Time to paint your face and dust off those spiked football pads in your closet, because LoD is back and ready to lay waste to all those oppose them.