Wednesday, May 31, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ TOR - Welcome Day 1

Today marks the major league debut of 22 year old David Pauley. Pauley has been solid in the minors, and the Red Sox hope he can be a pleasant surprise filling in for their injured rotation.

Welcome to the big leagues kid. Be careful though, it's a jungle out there.

And if you run into Axl, that's the least of your worries. If Tommy Hilfiger can take him, I have plenty of faith in you. No there are much bigger things to fear than washed up front men.

Welcome David Pauley, hope your debut is closer to Jon Papelbon's than Cla Merideth's.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ TOR - Great Battles of History Day 1

Battle of Hastings - 1066 AD

Edward the Confessor, King of England, in the absence of a male heir had promised the throne to his cousin, William, the duke of Normandy. However, on his death bed, the king changed his mind, and instead named Harold, the earl of Wessex, as his successor. Infuriated, William invaded England to claim the throne he felt was rightfully his. The tide of battle turned when the Normands pretended to retreat. When the English pursued, the Normands reared and counterattacked. Harold was slain on the battlefield when he took an arrow to the face, and William won the battle, and the throne. The English Royal Family can still trace it's bloodline all the way back to William the Conqueror.

Instead of the fields of battle, we have the turf of Toronto, as the new King of Boston, Josh Beckett, takes the hill against the Blue Jays. With their potent offense, the Red Sox are always a threat to strike late in the game. With no lead safe, the offense is one that can leave you bloodied when you think it is them who is on the run. And while tonight's Jays starter Gustavo Chacin may have the eye wear to protect him from an arrow to the face, it won''t stop them from sailing over his head and out of the ballpark.

special thanks to JayhawkBill for this mojo idea

Monday, May 29, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ TOR - Reality TV Day 5

The Red Sox travel north of the f@$#ing border to take on Roy Halladay and the motherf@$#ing Blue Jays. Halladay has regained his Cy Young form of late, while Clement has been looking like a &@$% of @*$%&#@. For those who are ready to write this game off, Ozzy has a few choice words for you.

Listen you farghfin mumblejobs! There is no glargpvn rustifp way that the bostargble red [incoherent] and he'll hit it so f@*$(% far that when it lands it far- [incoherent] with banana sauce! Sharon!

... thanks Ozzy.

[ed note: this would have been for Day 4, but it takes a little while for Ozzy to get anywhere these days]

Saturday, May 27, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS vs TB - Reality TV Day 3

"This is the true story, of seven strangers, picked to play in a ballpark, work together and have their lives taped, to find out what happens, when people stop being polite, and start getting real. The Real World."

The Red Sox take the field with one objective. Get win number 200 for Curt Schilling as he goes head to head with Seth McClung. Playing behind him, will be your cast of strangers who must work together in able to secure the win.

The respected captain, acting as field general.

The grizzled veteran on the comeback trail.

The left handed, kind of goofy Dominican masher.

The right handed, kind of goofy Dominican masher.

And the young gun from Texas.

Watch as they learn to live and play together. Hopefully with out any hot tub shenanigans.

Friday, May 26, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS vs TB - Reality TV Day 2

Scott Kazmir. David Wells. Today you will be facing off against each other to see which of the two of you is the bravest. We have laid out before you your pre-game meal. It is a plate containing fish eyeballs, horse rectum, sheep spleen, and live cockroaches in a bull testicle sauce. For flavor, we've added a twist of Manny's game worn underpants. Not only do you have to eat this, but you have to look at Julian Tavarez and Rudy Seanez while you do so. This will clearly be a difficult test of your -- wha??

Well, David Wells, clearly fear is not a factor for you. least he used a napkin this time.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS vs TB - Reality TV Day 1

I'm not going to lie to you, the last two games have not been good. It's time to clean up your act. Tonight's challenge is sponsored by the good people at Waechter's Meatball Factory. We better start seeing some positive results, or otherwise, one of you is going to have to visit the new guys office. Oh you didn't hear? The Red Sox have just hired a VP of New Employee Opportunity Management. He is excited to tell you that you have many options to go forward with your career, in many different places. Perhaps you should go look for them elsewhere. Of course, there is a much quicker way to get that point across.

You're fired!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS vs NYY - Candy Day 1

Sweet candy mojo is here for the series finale against the Yankees. The Sox hope for big things as they enjoy the mojo of some giant lollipops. Can't you just see Manny trotting out to left field with one of them sticking out of his back pocket for licks between plays?

Of course, these not only refer to the Red Sox and their fans too. They possess a little anti-mojo for tonight's Yankee starter as well, Randy Johnson. After all, when he arrived in New York, he was hailed as the guy who would put the Yankees over the top, nearly gaurenteeing their return to the World Series. Of course, he is now sporting a 5.62 ERA, and his largely mediocre season has shown fans of Randy Johnson to be one thing:

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS vs NYY - Beer Day 2

There are days when you feel like you deserve the very best. When your palette needs a bit more refinement, and when your tastebuds yearn for something which will both excite and delight them. There are days when you wish to pamper your senses, and allow yourself to enjoy the finest the world has to offer.

And then there are days like today.

Today is not for your high class brews. It's for the stuff that come in racks, which you purchase based upon the lowest unit price of dollars per can (hoping to break the elusive 40 cent barrier). The hallmarks of a first year in college, today is for your "Beasts", your "Nattie Ices" and your "Keystone Lights". Or of course, my personal choice, your Pabst Blue Ribbons.

For a win today, we look to the guys who may not always look pretty, who may not always be graceful in the field or Herculean (or even Ortizean) at the plate. Guys who take up only a small amount of the payroll, but still look to provide some bang for their buck. Guys like Doug Mirabelli, Alex Gonzalez and Wily Mo Pena. Guys who aren't the superstars of the team, but who can still get the job done. Today is their day to shine.

Drink up (and up, and up), Boston. If you drink enough today, you may provide just enough mojo to help the Sox win. And if not, you'll be too drunk to care.

Monday, May 22, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS vs NYY - Beer Day 1

Mojo emerges from a debauchery filled weekend, bleary eyed from a friend's Bachelor Party. Sometimes, inspiration finds you in some odd ways, and mojo struck from my parched mouth as it was quenched with the very dame beverage that caused it in the first place.

Beer mojo rolls in, direct from one of the best places to grab a pint around the ball park: Boston Beer Works.

With the Yankees in town, the obvious choice on the menu is their Fenway American Pale Ale.

The Sox will finally be able to get 9 innings in at Fenway for the first time in over a week. The home crowd will certainly be happy to see them, all though they may not appreciate the guys in the opponent's dugout quite so much. The Red Sox hope to extend their lead in the AL East behind the rowdy support of their beer drinking fans.

Of course, if you are at the Beer Works tonight, a little extra mojo never hurt. Some fireworks off the bats of our hitters tonight would certainly be pretty sweet, and for that we have a surprisingly sweet beer that is as delicious as it looks: Watermelon Ale.

The beer doesn't disappoint, just as Curt Schilling and the Red Sox won't tonight.

Friday, May 19, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ PHI - Hanna Barbera Day 1

Welcome to interleague play, with the Red Sox traveling to the lawless wilds that is Philadelphia's Citizen's Bank Ballpark. The Sox will look to quiet the rowdy Philadelphia fans when taking on Jon Leiber and the Phillies. Lucky for them, the law is on their side (even if the law is particularly dim witted).

Quick Draw McGraw mojo is here, as the Sox will look to get to Leiber early in this one. Leiber was flirting with a no-hitter in his last start (until ESPN cut away from their normal program to air the game in the 7th), so the Red Sox will look to get into the Phils bullpen as soon as they can. With any luck, we'll get the chance to follow up a Wily Mo swing with a resounding call of "KA-BONG!!"

Matt Clement gets the start from the Red Sox, and if he's looking to baffle Phils hitters, just have Tek ask them this before they come to the plate: if Quick Draw is a bi-pedal horse, why is it that he rides a normal horse, and even drives a stagecoach pulled by regular horses in the opening credits?

If I were a horse, I would find that incredibly degrading. Someone should ask Linda Cohn how she feels about this.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ BAL - John Travolta Day 3

The Red Sox have been cruising this week, extending their win streak to 13 games over the Orioles. The offense is carrying them, as it is now running like a finely tuned machine. You may even say it is running like Greased Lightning!

Grease mojo rolls in to Baltimore with it's pompadours and poodle skirts, as well as it's illustrious hand jive. Hand jive mojo will be especially important to Doug Mirabelli, as he tries to keep a handle on Tim Wakefield's lively knuckleball.

Of course, Dougie will get bonus mojo for owning that exact same suit.

So roll up your cigarettes in your sleeves, and every one get ready for some spontaneous breaking in to song, for the musical has begun. I hope you like choreography. I know Manny does.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ BAL - John Travolta Day 2

For Curt Schilling and Mike Lowell, 2005 was not their best years. Whether due to injury, or just a year long slump, neither of them put up particularly good numbers. It seemed that no matter how hard they tried, they simply couldn't get things to go right for them. It was as if they were stuck having to spend all their time talking to a baby voiced by Bruce Willis.

But 2006 is an entire new year, and look who is making the big comeback and striking new images for themselves. Curt Schilling returning to form as the dominant starter, and Mike Lowell finding his bat and becoming an extra base machine. You could say that everyone is finding the two to be much cooler now.

Pulp Fiction mojo rolls in to try and make it 13 straight against Bruce Chen and the Baltimore Orioles. If he's not careful, the Red Sox may have to get medieval on his.. well, you see where this is going.

Monday, May 15, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ BAL - John Travolta Day 1


Back in the 70s, "Welcome Back, Kotter" was banned in the city of Boston when it first went on the air. It seems the locals had thought it was about busing, a hot button issue of the day. Of course, once that cloud cleared up and people realized it was just about some lovable Sweathogs, the show finally made its way to Boston airwaves.

And while our own clouds still hang overhead, the Sox have slipped out from under them like they were ditching afternoon detention. Finally, we get to see our own Sweathogs back on the field again.

So say "Up your nose with a rubber hose!" to Mother Nature and enjoy some baseball again, and maybe even throw in a "Heyy, Mr. Beck-ett" for good measure.

Show the Red Sox the way to victory, you hunky dreamboat you.

Friday, May 12, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS vs TEX - Dance Day 2

The title may not share the same theme, but a little softshoe is just what they need tonight. With the storm clouds rolling overhead the game looks to be in doubt as their is no question rain will be falling from the skies. So if they do manage to squeeze in a few innings (and hopefully enough to make it official), the Red Sox will have to make the best of it.

Roll out the plastic carpet, it's going to be a wet one tonight.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ NYY - Dance Day 1

If watching Tim Wakefield run has taught us anything, it is that Wakes has got some happy feet. While a game in Yankee Stadium with the winner taking sole possession of first place would normally be a time for high blood pressure and tense nail-biting, it is important to remember that it is still only May. So let Tim and his reunited BFF Dougie enjoy spring and take the field with a song in their heart and have a little dance mojo.

Tonight's dance mojo gets to be picked by the Red Sox resident doubles machine, new third baseman Mike Lowell. And being the automatron built for the sole purpose of hitting balls down the line that he is, it is only fitting that he opts for the classic moves of the Robot. So join Mike "the Robot" Lowell and his analog friends in busting out to a digital groove.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ NYY - Ninjas Day 6

With the rain still coming down, the Red Sox look to make it six wins in a row, and three straight for the season over New York. The Red Sox have taken well to the lessons learned from the ninja, and today they will need the help of another ninja disciple to find victory yet again. For today, the Red Sox must ask themselves: WWBD? What Would Batman Do?

Well, he'd probably crash through a warehouse skylight and browbeat some lowlife thugs. That seems to be Batman's solution to just about everything. So it will be up to Curt Schilling to have his splitter crashing through the strike zone, and for David Ortiz and the offense to slug the ball in to the upper decks. Batman is a legend, but without his ninja training he's just another rich guy with a lot of expensive toys.

The Yankees are a good team, but it will take more than pinstripes to go head to head with Ninja Batman Baseball.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ NYY - Ninjas Day 5

Ninja mojo storms in to the House that Ruth Built, which, truth be told, may be more dangerous to his legacy than beer, prostitutes, Barry Bonds and steroids put together (sounds like next week's Bonds on Bonds promo). When ninjas come to your town, don't expect a quaint house warming gift.

With Beckett set to return to Yankee Stadium for the first time since the clinching Game 6 of the 2003 World Series, the threat of rain looms over the park. While some may worry that this will impede the Red Sox' chances of making it 5 wins in a row, they do not realize the ninja's decided advantage in wet environments.

It will take more than a few raindrops to stop the Red Sox from winning. A complete wash out of the park won't be enough to stop them, nor will Randy Johnson, who has been looking more and more washed up lately. They could move the park to the middle of New York Harbor, and it won't even slow the ninja mojo down.

The power of the ninja will push the Red Sox to continue their winning ways.