Monday, April 03, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ TEX - Jack Bauer Day 1

The following takes place between 2 pm and 5 pm.

It's been a long off season for those of us in Boston. It was one that saw the loss of some key figures in the Boston landscape (Bronson Arroyo, Johnny Damon, Theo Epstein), and the introduction of some new stars (Josh Beckett, Coco Crisp, Theo Epstein). But all that is over and done with, and a new batch of 25 is taking the field to begin the 2006 season.

The mojo has always been kind to the Red Sox, and naturally, when a team finds a new strategy which helps them acheive success, the other GMs line up to copy it. From La Russa's bullpen management to Billy Beane's Moneyball (well, not really, but I don't want to onfuse Joe Morgan more than he all ready is) one good idea is never left unstolen. And sure enough, the Texas Rangers are looking to have a little mojo on their side for the opening series. None other than the most famous Texas Ranger of all: Chuck Norris.

They say everything is bigger in Texas, and it appears mojo is no different. Chuck Norris is some powerful mojo indeed, but what Texas doesn't know is that there is someone even greater than Chuck Norris working for Boston: his name is Jack Bauer, and this is the longest day of his life.

The battle between Bauer and Norris has been raging for some time on the interweb, with no decisive winner. But Texas clearly doesn't know what it's getting itself into. Jack Bauer brings certain things to the table, and it's these same qualities which will let the Sox win.

1) STAMINA: One season of 24 lasts a full twenty four hours. In that time, have you ever seen Jack stop to have a meal, take a nap, or use the men's room? The man subsists entirely on a diet of water, gun oil and dead terrorists. He's been shot, had bones broken, been beaten unconcious and had heart failure, and it hasn't ever stopped him from getting the job done. Even if you manage to kill him, he won't stay dead for long. Jesus died and rose back to life in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour, and he's done it twice.

It's this stamina, especially from today's starter the newly healed Curt Schilling, which will allow the Red Sox to outlast the Rangers for the duration of the game.

2) RELENTLESSNESS: Jack Bauer doesn't know the meaning of the word quit. As long as there is a terrorist out there to stop, he will be kicking down doors and shouting "CTU!" until they are stopped.

It is this same relentlessness which allows the Red Sox offense to be so effective. Every guy in the lineup can work the count, put the ball in play, and be getting on base and moving runners along. It's that never say die attitude which lets them be so effective in bringing runners home.

3) INEVITIABILITY: A recently apprehended terrorist is chained to a chair. Jack Bauer walks in, and he knows the terrorist has information he needs. What are the odds that he isn't going to find a way to get it? Is -0% a number? And don't you get that same feeling of "oh man, this is bad news for this guy" for the opposing pitcher when the game is late and David Ortiz is striding to the plate? I know I do, that big man is just trouble.


Of course, while the laundry remains the same, some of the names on the back are different. This is something Jack Bauer can help with as well, for just as you can find factoids for Jack Bauer, so too can you find them for some of the new faces in the Red Sox Clubhouse. Today, it's the new CF Coco Crisp.

-Many have noticed that Coco Crisp wears his hat crooked to the side. Most don't realize that this is a reminder: never make eye contact with Coco Crisp.
-Coco was named not for a tasty breakfast cereal, but after late-80s wrestler Koko B. Ware, who was known for his brightly colored costumes and signature pet bird. His parents were big fans of professional wrestling, but not of spelling.
-Crisp is one of the few players in the league which can bring both power and speed to the plate. To warm up for games, he practices by robbing himself of home runs. Fans who saw him the last time Cleveland came to Fenway argued which were more impressive: the sprints from home plate to the 420 marker in the triangle, or the climbing up the ladder in LF to catch them off the top of the Monster.
-Coco Crisp is often complemented on his smooth complextion and creamy skin. His secret: a bathtub full of peanut butter.
-The Red Sox instituted a new policy this season: no seats in the first two rows of center field are sold to female fans. This is because Coco Crisp is so potent, they run the risk of pregnancy.

The hometown team is finally retaking the field, lets see them start the season out with a win.

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