Thursday, December 15, 2005

Abbreviated Discontinuance

Well, the long search for a new Red Sox GM is over, as the Front Office found their men in farm director Ben Cherington and assistant GM Jed Hoyer. If I may say so, I think they hired the wrong New Hampshire native. Of course, like a professional, I choose to accept this disappointment with grace and humility. In this case, grace and humility means getting blasted on cheap beer and drunk dialing half my phone book. Which reminds me: who’s ever porch that was and who's plants I “over-saturated” to death… sorry, my bad. In my defense, your dog dared me to do it, and he can be very convincing.

Of course, despite this minor misstep on the Front Office’s part, this does not mean I have soured on my favorite team. It will take more than denying me complete control over baseball operations to sway me. Unless of course, some other team wanted to give me their GM position (I’m looking at you, Cincinnati). But I digress. I can’t help but notice that your new management has made some deals to create another vacancy within the organization which I could fill for you. Gentlemen, say hello to your new starting shortstop.

Now it may seem counter intuitive to pick up an undrafted free agent (who hasn’t played organized baseball since Little League fifteen years ago) and plug him into your starting lineup, but I have many things going in my favor. First of all, I will be incredibly inexpensive. Not only will I work for the major league minimum, but I will offer to use half of my salary to keep any resident superstars happy. I’ll be more than happy to be the guy to take Manny Ramirez out for hot fudge sundaes whenever he feels pressured. I’d be great in the clubhouse, and that will help the performance of the entire team. After all, if Kevin Millar could be kept around for his clubhouse qualities, I feel I can do just what he did, but look better doing it. Four out of five women I didn’t bother to poll said I am far more attractive than Millar. My secret: I like wearing the high socks. Women love a man who looks sharp in high socks.

Of course, marketing is important to the team ownership, and with Millar now gone someone will have to fill the void of “automatic t-shirt slogan machine”. Look no further than this guy. For 2006, with the large turnover on the roster, and with an entirely new starting infield, one could say the team has truly “transformed”. And what better than an Autobots themed t-shirt with the 2006 Red Sox slogan: “Transform and Roll Out”. The clinching touch would be the t-shirt featuring David Ortiz holding the Prime Matrix with a Boston logo on it. After all, who better to turn to when you need “to light your darkest hour” than the guy with the knack for getting the big hit? I’d offer more options in the event the guys in the clubhouse didn’t like the Transformers, but it is pretty clear that that is a statistical impossibility.

Of course, you are now wondering why I can’t do all of this without starting at shortstop, where I would almost certainly be a detriment to the club seeing as I have never faced a pitcher older than 10, I haven’t played in the field in a decade and a half, I don’t have what would need to be a superhuman amount of raw athletic ability to make up for my lack of major league skills, and my only advantage over opposing teams (scouting report: “we have absolutely no idea who this guy is or what he is capable of”) would quickly be lost in a matter of games (new scouting report: “he is atrocious at every aspect of the game”). Serious charges, all of them 100% true.

How can I justify making what would appear to be such a poor baseball decision on every level? Hey, you are the guys that didn’t make me GM, so you got yourselves into this mess. I’m willing to play SS to help solve the awkward position we are in now that you’ve failed to hire me. How about for a change, why don’t you guys stop being part of the problem and start being part of the solution?

I guess I should take a trip to my local sporting goods store for a new glove, I’ve got some work to do before Spring Training.

I would buy at least 4 of these T-shirts


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