Wednesday, August 31, 2005

**MOJO** - Jungle Day 4

Jungle mojo clamps its jaws into another game with the natural enemy to the Devil Ray: the crocodile.

Crikey! If the Red Sox wish to make it 4 and a row, they'll need to draw upon the three great strengths of the crocodile.

1) Patience

Boy, that sure is a quiet log floating there and.. OH LORDY! The crocodile is able to spend great amounts of time luring in prey before striking, waiting for the perfect time to strike. With Casey Fossum on the mound, the Red Sox hitters will need to work the count and wait for the right pitch to drive. For when the crocodile does strike, it will relentlessly attack. Just like the crocodile, the Red Sox will need to chase Casey Fossum right out of the game... maybe even all the way home.

2) Bite Strength

The crocodile has a tremendous bite force, and when it has its jaws on something it doesn't want to give up, chances are you won't be seeing it again. The Red Sox will want to snap on this game early, getting the quick lead and then locking it up (you lock it up). It will then be up to the bullpen to clamp down and secure the win.

3) Cold Blooded

Crocodiles are "cold-blooded". To get warm they lie in the sun. To cool down, they lie in the shade with their mouths wide open or laze in the water. To control their body temperature, crocodiles control the blood flow inside their bodies. They can 'shut down' blood flow or speed it up. It will be up to the Red Sox to control their own blood flow, to calm a beating heart when hearing the Fenway Faithful cheer them on, and to let the ice flow throw their veins when it gets late in the game.

And once again, a picture of a baby. After all, despite their scaly skin and fierce sharp teeth, baby crocs can still be very cute. Just like Kevin Millar!

Thanks for being a good sport Kevin.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

**MOJO** - Jungle Day 3

Jungle mojo rumbles on with the natural enemy of the devil ray: the rhinoceros.

If Curt Schilling and the Red Sox wish to continue in their winning ways against the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, they will need to remember the rhinceroses's three great strengths.

1) Horn

When combined with its size and strength, the rhino's horn is a devastating weapon to its opponents. Just as a rhino may cut down its adversary with its horn, Curt Schilling will need his splitter to cut down the batters stepping in against him today. Consider every splitter in the dirt that gets a swinging K the baseball equivalent of the stamping of hooves in triumph.

2) Armor

The rhinoceros has thick heavy skin which helps protect him against attacks from his opponents in a fight. It is this thick hide which makes the rhino such a dangerous animal, as it is very difficult to bring down. The Red Sox too must protect themselves against attack through slick fielding to keep the Devil Rays off base, and to keep them from coming around to score when they do. No matter what the cliche may say, sometimes the best offense is a good defense, and keeping Tampa Bay off of the scoreboard will go a long way in ensuring a win.

3) Fire Fighting

According to legend, rhinos have been known to stamp out fires found in the jungle. This myth is particularly popular in Malaysia and Burhma, and they even have a special name for it in Malay: "budak api". It will be up to the Red Sox own firemen from the bullpen to extinguish any signs of ignition that the Tampa Bay offense may show and lock down today's game, hopefully dousing the last of it with some dirty water.

Of course, the picture above isn't of a rhino stamping out a fire (seeing as none exist), so instead I decided to treat you to a picture of a baby rhino. Just goes to show that even an animal that is as large and as feared as the rhinoceros can still be cuddly and cute. Just like David Ortiz!

Monday, August 29, 2005

**MOJO** - Jungle Day 2

Jungle mojo roars on with the natural enemy of the Devil Ray and King of the Jungle: the stately Lion.

The Red Sox will need to draw upon the Lion's strengths:

1) Ferocious Appetite

Lions are hungry, and so too must be the Red Sox. There will be plenty of time to sun yourself on the veldt after the game is over, but until then the hunt is on, and Seth McClung is the prey. Just think of him as a tasty zebra.

2) Cowardice

Wait... that's not right.....

2) Fiery Youth

Yes, they are cuddly and adorable, but even a young lion cub is nothing to be trifled with. Much like Jason Varitek! The lesson here: attack early, and put the game away before Tampa Bay even knows what happened.

3) Musical Ability

OK, it sounds silly, but this may be the most important of the three. Music is for our pitchers today. Musical ability is timing, tempo, rhythm and key. So pick the right pitches, establish your own rhythm and dictate the tempo of the game yourself, don't let the hitters ever find their timing. Conduct your game well, and this game can be a symphony.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

**MOJO** - Jungle Day 1

Mojo's got Jungle Fever!

With the Tigers having as much success against Boston pitchers lately (20 runs in 2 games!), sometimes you just have to beat them at their own game. And in the wild, who is the tiger's natural enemy? As everyone knows, it's the gorilla.

There are three characteristics to the stately gorilla which the Red Sox must exhibit if they wish to walk away with a series win.

1) Intelligence

First, and most important, is to play smart. If Koko the gorilla can learn sign language, than surely David Wells and Jason Varitek can communicate their own sign language to make smart pitches and smart decisions on the mound. Smart sharp play in the field and smart productive at bats are what is needed. The key word: Smart. S-M-R-T... errrrr... s-m-A-r-t.

2) Strength

Second, and most important, is strength. Seriously, look at those guns. Not only the strength to put balls in the seats and shoot them through the gaps, but strong throws in the field and powering people off the plate when necessary is another key component to a winning strategy.

3) Showmanship

Last, and absolutely most important, is showmanship. From being good sportsmen on the field to respecting the spirit of the game to remembering it is the shmucks out in the seats that are the reason you play the game. Showmanship is playing hard and playing to win, but remembering to have fun while you do it. And how cool is that gorilla jumping through the ring of fire? The answer: Way cool.

Execute those three things, and it will be pretty clear who wins in the battle between gorilla and tiger.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

**MOJO** - X-Men Day 2

Mutant mojo lives on for another game as the Sox go for their 15th straight win at Fenway Park. Once again, the key to winning is playing together as a team. The bats thundered yesterday to the tune of a just enough 9 runs. Today, it's the pitching and defense that need to shine.

Today on the mound:

Bronson Arroyo takes the hill, hopefully as the winged savior of our recent pitching woes. Like Warren "Angel" Worthington III, may his curveball soar high before sweeping through the strike zone. And what would provide a little loft in his wings better than the breeze from bats swinging and missing their targets. And besides, doesn't this just look like wings belong unfolding from behind him:

Behind the plate:

Captain of the team, and leader of the X-men. No catcher prepares harder than Varitek for every game, and no X-man is the battlefield strategist that Cyclops is. And firing an "optic blast" like strike to gun down a baserunner sure wouldn't hurt either.

In the field:

Edgar has been hot with the bat lately, and that certainly will need to continue, but it is his exceptional play in the field which reminds of the cajun Gambit. His strikes to first base to erase hitters hopes fly with the explosive energy of Gambit's charged cards, and his acrobatic feats to haul in those would be hits mirror the agility of the one time thief.

Time to go onto the field and show the Tigers what the Danger Room is all about.

Friday, August 26, 2005

**MOJO** - X-Men Day 1

Lately, the Sox have been missing something. That little something "X-tra" if you will. We all know it's there, however, waiting to be unlocked and send this team on a tear. So let's see the Red Sox adopt the spirit of another band of misfits, and win some games for a fanbase that after a 2-game losing streak, has all ready begun to fear and hate them.

Taking the mound today:

Wakefield is our colossus. Always dependable, able to carry the team on his back, and sure Peter Rasputin may be a communist, but the color Red seems to get along with this team just fine. So let's see the knuckleball dance against Detroit today, and maybe a fastball special or two just to keep the hitters off balance.

From the bullpen:

When Timlin exits as the last man out of the bullpen, lets see the ice running through his veins as he locks down another win. And if he happens to shatter a few bats like they were icicles, I wouldn't complain.

And managing the team:

Sure, he may look a little dorky in that picture, but who am I to judge knowing all the backstory to virtually every major X-Men character. Let's hope that Tito can manage the bench today all ready knowing what Alan Trammel is thinking, staying one step ahead of the game and giving the team the X-tra edge it needs for the win.

You've got your mojo, now go out there and be the best there is at what you do (even though what you do may not be pretty), bub.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

**MOJO** - Unstoppable Killing Machine Day 1

The Left on Base bug bit the Red Sox offense again last night against the Royals. It was an offensive display (pun intended) which seemed to lack urgency, and which failed to put the game away despite given plenty of opportunities to do so. With Curt Schilling coming back to make his first start since April tonight, the Sox will want to be unrelenting and unmerciful today, if for no other reason than to make up for letting last night's game get away from them. The team has a variety of music they like to employ for coming into the game, whether for an at bat or out of the bullpen. However, today the music will be much simpler:

Ch - Ch - Ch - Ah - Ah -Ah

Drown him, burn him, stab him, shoot him, blow him up... it doesn't matter. He's going to keep coming back, and there is nothing you can do about it. May the Sox offense learn from this example, and treat each inning like another chapter in Friday the 13th (and hopefully we won't go extras, because Jason X kind of blew). You can get them out in one inning, but they are just going to come back swinging the next.

Also lets see Curt's splitter work today and cut down batters like his last appearance in Anaheim, dropping the hitters like bags of meat. And yes, those knife metaphors are no accident.

Show no mercy.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

**MOJO** - Wrestling Stars of the 1980's Day 3

AT-TEN-HUT! Listen up maggots! My job is to whip you into shape, and I mean whip! There's only two ways out of my command, on your feet like a man, or in a ditty bag. An itty-bitty ditty bag! GOT IT?

When the Sox are through with the Royals, scuzzbucket, you'll have to scrape them off the walls with a squeegee. Sgt. Slaughter mojo has arrived, so you better be at attention, Private. Sgt. Slaughter was once quoted as saying: "It's time you learned we're a team. We all go home or nobody goes home." You know what that means: the Sox are batting around against DJ Carrasco today.

So honor Sgt. Slaughter mojo today by waiving your flag and breaking into the classic chant: U-S-A! U-S-A!

And that's an order!

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

**MOJO** - Wrestling Stars of the 1980's Day 2

D-D-T! D-D-T! D-D-T!

One of the greatest heels of all time, Jake "the Snake" Roberts terrified his opponents with his pet python Damien. He was known for letting the snake wrap up his opponents following their defeat at the hands of his signature DDT. He may never have held a title, but he is still remembered as one of the more popular wrestlers of all time (even if he did have the atrocious "blindfold match" against "the Model" Rick Martel on his resume).

And much like today's starter David Wells, it is a well known fact that Jake the Snake and booze aren't exactly strangers. Which is why if you want some Jake the Snake mojo, look no further than the promo he delivered at the "Heroes of Wrestling" show in October of 1999 prior to his bout first Jim "the Anvil" Neidhart (transcription courtesy of R D Reynolds of Wrestlecrap).

"In a casino, you should gamble. Let me tell you something, Anvil, you don't want to play cards with me, because I'll cheat. Ok, I cheat. You want to play 21, I got 22. You want to play black jack? I got two of those too. You want to play aces and eights? Well, I got some of those too. Bottom line is this. You do not gamble with me....*unintelligible*...when you walk into a casino, when you want to gamble, the main thing you must do, is this, you must accept losing. I don't accept losing, and neither does Damien. Damien, my friend! My friend Damien is right here. *mumbles incoherently* You don't want to see this, do you? Let me show you something. I tell you what Anvil, go ahead and roll the dice. Mr. Cameraman, get your ass back up here. *getting angry* HELL-OOOO, I'm talkin' to you. Get that camera back up here. Thats what you should worry about Anvil. The bottom line is this, when the DDT comes, then the snake comes out. Worry about the DDT. DDT, DDT, DDT (begins yelling) DDT! DDT! DDT! *finally one of the 500 or so people in the audience chants along* THINK ABOUT IT!"

It's no perfect game, but to paraphrase James Cromwell: "That'll do, Snake. That'll do."

Sunday, August 21, 2005

**MOJO** - Wrestling Stars of the 1980's Day 1

Sports are one of the great sources of entertainment. The tension that rises as two opponents fight against one another provides great drama and suspense. However, with live events such as baseball, they don't always end how you may want them two. With David Ortiz at the plate as the go ahead run late in the game, the stage appeared to be set for another dramatic comeback. But just like the mighty Casey, Papi struck out. It is almost as if someone forgot to deliver the script to the Red Sox locker room.

And so comes forth new mojo. Drama is a lot easier to manifest when it is scripted, and who better to kick off mojo right than Randy "Macho Man" Savage!

For sure, the Angels are a strong team. But are they any match for the flying elbow off the top turnbuckle? I think not.

If you would like to participate from home in today's mojo, think back to your own favorite Randy Savage moments, whether it be his now classic feud with Ricky Steamboat (producing one of the greatest matches of all time at Wrestlemania III), the epic pairing of him with Hulk Hogan as the Mega Powers, or maybe even his memorable turn as the spokesman for Slim Jim. If you are really daring, you could even listen to his (absolutely dreadful) rap album titled "Be a Man.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Yeeeeah!

Saturday, August 20, 2005

**MOJO** - Gambling Day 2

It's time to take our mojo from the extra inning win last night and let it ride! Dust off your favorite pair of dice, because it's time for a little clickety clack.

Craps is the game of the day and our new shooter coming out is Bronson Arroyo. Craps is a fitting game for Bronson Arroyo, as his number coming out would be a natural 7. Teammates with natural sevens include David Wells, David Ortiz and the injured Wade Miller. Look for the Sox to get on a roll (hooray puns) with some dice mojo, because Papi needs a new pair of shoes... and an extra game on the Yanks wouldn't hurt.

Friday, August 19, 2005

**MOJO** - Gambling Day 1

Many thanks to Piney for filling in as I took my "sabbatical" to that jewel of the east coast: Atlantic City. And if you thought I was merely kicking back and relaxing away from the trials and tribulations of mojo, think again. Despite having no internet connection to contribute, I was finding little ways of my own, like wearing my Fisk and Wakefield jerseys whenever in the casinos (during which I got congratulated by some random guy on the boardwalk for last October).

On my last day there I was taking one last trip through Cesar's Palace before making the long trek home, thinking about what mojo would be good upon my return. I passed a roulette table, thinking perhaps I should bet on a Sox player's number to see who might come through for me. Naturally, the wheel stopped spinning and I was looking at #34 Red. Finding mojo is often a nuanced endeavor, however this time mojo chose to be less than subtle.

Roulette mojo kicks off the theme devoted to games of chance. Because sometimes, all you need is a little luck. Of course, other times all you need is David Ortiz.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

**MOJO**- Caffiene Day 1

*Piney Takes Over Again*

Geez, this is getting frustrating, kinda like having no run support and trying to get the job done. It seems I'm on the verge of losing 20 games or something. I did get that one win though. I got the stuff, I hope, but it just isn't coming for me. I'm like a tick away from figuring it out or something. Oh well, I guess those are the breaks. Maybe I can help figure something out this West Coast Trip.

Speaking of West Coast, we run into a couple late late games, which brings me to my next mojo idea. As we all know sometimes we can't make it past midnight unless if we have a little help. No, it's not like steroids. We use any form of caffiene which isn't in pill form because that's not cool. Which brings us to today's mojo: Caffiene. Because we can never use enough of a pick me up when necessary.

As for tonight's form of caffeine, I call upon my favorite of the bunch. It's my kryptonite amongst junk food drinks, something I know I shouldn't have but I can't go one day with at least a bottle of the sweet nectar that they call Coca Cola.

My love of this carbonated beverage is legendary amongst friends and family, and many of the reason on why I like it is why I also like the Red Sox. It's classic soda which relies on the same ol' formula and hardly ever tries to tweak it. It has many different evil competitors like Pepsi, RC Cola(underrated, btw), and of course the store-bought colas, but they're not the same. Like the Red Sox, they're a classic organization and while they may have the other teams around them that are rather new and stuff, nothing beats them, at least with me. Others may prefer the other. Coca Cola also has a sort of bite to it's taste that settles my stomach very well. The Red Sox have a sort of bite and flair to them that makes watching them all the better, while they may make my stomach turn, when it comes crunch time, it's always fun to watch and experience.

To partake in today's mojo, have yourself a Coca Cola whether it be in a can, a bottle, a glass, or even just straight up from the 2-liter bottle like my brother does. It's the real thing, bitches, and same with the Red Sox. They're the real thing! And of course may their play tonight be as refreshing and have as much bite as the soda does. Because that'd be awesome.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

**MOJO**- Memorable SNL Sketch Day 2

*Filling in for NU during his sabbatical*

Well, looks like I was pretty successful even though I didn't have my best stuff. Kinda like John Burkett every single outing of his which he did well in 2003. Heh. I'll take it. Gotta have much love or the cowbell sketch mojo. Anyways, today's sketch is a classic from way back in the early 80's. Before he was Beverly Hills Cop, before his brother hit it big with Rick James stories, before he was questionably gay, Eddie Murphy was a hotshot SNL rookie with a debut more electrifying than Roger Clemens in the mid 80's. This one sketch is a true classic in the library of Eddie Murphy.

Buh-Weet Sings!

In this sketch, Eddie Murphy does an adult sendup of the Little Rascals character Buckwheat who his putting out an album of him singing. However what makes the album is the nonsensical translations of popular songs out at the time like "Looking for Love", "Bette Davis Eyes" and "Three Times a Lady" amongst others. Even some classics. It was Eddie Murphy at his best and most electrifying to say the least.

Seeing Eddie Murphy at his best in those early 80's SNL episodes is like seeing David Oritz getting clutch hit after clutch hit and showing his true magic to all who watch. His clutchness and great delivery in times where it's most needed seems to parallel greatly to Eddie Murphy's great comic timing and ability to make even the worst sketches turn out just as funny. This sketch is just a testament to Murphy's greatness on SNL, just as last night was a testament to the amazing abilty of David Ortiz. May Ortiz continue that amazing hitting into tomorrow against Bonderman.

And to participate, make sure you sing rally songs with the "Buh-weet" accent. Like try singing "Dirty Water" when needed with teh Buh-weet voice. If not for mojo participation, for at least comedic purposes. Because sometimes we all need to "unce, tice, fee tines a mady!"