Wednesday, June 29, 2005

**MOJO** - Secondary Simpsons Characters Day 1

Be impressed: The entirety of this post (from drafting to final editing) has been made without the benifit of a mouse. Stupid batteries...


With a win needed to salvage the series and get the team back on track, it’s time to utilize some mojo drawn from one of the most popular TV show in the history of television. A show where one of its greatest strengths is its enormous cast of beloved characters, we draw not on the primary characters who are the mainstays of every episode, but the secondary ones who fill out the story and often provide the most memorable moments.

It’s Secondary Simpson Character mojo time. We ask a lot of our stars, and more often than not they deliver, but this is directed at the guys who make the Red Sox a team. Your Mirabellis and your Youkilises and your Older Dudes and your Paytons and even your Vazquezez. It’s time for everyone to step up and get the team back on track.

Today’s mojo is brought to you by the little boy who likes to eat paste and pick his nose: Ralph Wiggum.

The Sox get swept at home? That’s unpossible! We all now the happiest day of Millar’s life was the day the doctor told him he didn’t have worms anymore, but lets make today pretty good too. There’s a little leprechaun in your ear today, and he’s telling you to beat the Indians.

Don’t listen when he tells you to burn things though…

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

**MOJO** - Birthdays Day 1

For those who don't remember, here's how the mojo rules work, as it's been a week since we last went over them (thank you Sox). Mojo lasts for as long as the Sox keep winning. Every game gets its own subject that fits with the current theme. Themes last until the Sox lose. They lost yesterday, so out with comeuppance and in with:

Birthday Mojo!

All of the following people are celebrating birthdays today. So naturally, they deserve some sweet presents.

John Cusack (39): Cusack deserves a little something, not for his many chick flicks which make the ladies so fond of him, but for the underrated comedies that really stand out. I'm talking Gross Point Blank here, people. The movie is great.... OK fine, do it for the chick flicks.

Tek and Johnny D, this one's up to you two. You seem to be the resident heartthrobs on the team, pick him out something nice. A few RBIs go good with just about anything, and I hear Mr. Cusack really enjoys great defense, see what you can do.

John Elway (45): From one number 7 to another, the guy deserves a little something for his birthday. I'm looking at you, Mr. Nixon. Maybe you can help the ball find the seats today with your bat instead of your glove. (I tease because I love ya, Trot).

Pat Morita (72): Wade, this one falls onto you. Nothing makes Mr. Miyag-- I mean, Mr. Morita prouder than a solid performance under pressure. Learn from the great sensai and pitch a gem to halt the losing streak at one. And if you want to hold that leg kick up for a moment in the crane position before a pitch or two, just so he knows you are thinking of him, I'm sure he would appreciate it.

Mel Brooks (79): The man gave you Spaceballs, Young Frankenstein AND Blazing Saddles. The least you can do, Big Papi, is when you come out for your first AB, look into the nearest camera and say "excuse me while I whip this out", then pull out an extra wristband. Besides, when the ladies are done gasping in terror of coming face to face with "Big Papi", you can be ready with your "waiting for Wide-Screen Wednesday" punch line. Make Mel proud. Or at least make Dan Roche proud.

Henry VIII (514): What do you get for the King who has everything... and has been dead for over 400 years? Well, clearly you get him a Sox win and some distance added between Boston and the loser of the BAL-NYY game.

Also guys, don't forget about the Royal Rooters "TallSoxFan1974" (31), "Harry" (58), and perhaps the new member with my favorite name: "Baseball" (17). Find something nice for them, I'm sure they are not picky. We'll say.. 10 runs? Each? Too much? OK, how about just more runs than the other guys.

Monday, June 27, 2005

**MOJO** - Come-uppance Day 8

Margaret White: Red. I might have known it would be red.

The tall lanky kid said he wanted to play baseball and they laughed at him. He told them his name, and they laughed and called him "Brandon". When he tried to tag out base runners they would slap the ball out of his glove and laugh at him. "Sorry Brandon, that's just how I run."

They pretended they liked him and talked him into how cool it would be if he wore cornrows in his hair. Then they laughed some more.

And now, someone is tired of being laughed at...

Feel bad for the Cleveland Indians today, for they will be suffering the wrath of Bronson Arroyo's once dormant psychic abilities, and Kevin Millwood has no hope of protecting them. On second thought, don't feel too sorry for them. For after all, it's comeuppance mojo, and they are only getting what they deserve.

If you would like to participate from home with today's mojo, try operating your remote control or computer keyboard using only your mind. Failing that, torment someone until they go on a crazy rampage. Preferably someone that isn't me.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

**MOJO** - Come-uppance Day 7

Harry Ellis: Hey babe, I negotiate million dollar deals for breakfast. I think I can handle this Eurotrash.

Is there a worse kind of person than the yuppie? I don't think that there is. Harry Ellis, for those who don't remember, is one of the hostages from the movie Die Hard with Bruce Willis. Like most 1980s business men, he felt he was the smartest guy in the room, and he did a ton of blow. And naturally, your normal jetsetting cokehead doesn't have time to waste being held captive by German terrorists, so he feels it is in his best interest to negotioate his own way out of his dilemma.

And then he got shot right in the freakin' face.

The Phillies are now reeling, trying to avoid the sweep, and it is up to Brett Myers to get them out of this jam. They need this win, and will do anything in their power to get it.

Here's hoping they too get shot right in the freakin' face for their trouble.

It's Die Hard mojo today: so Yippee-Ki-Yay Mother******! If you would like to participate in today's mojo from home, spend your entire day using action movie tough guy puns.

"Ice to see you!"

Saturday, June 25, 2005

**MOJO** - Come-uppance Day 6

Wicked Witch of the West: Who ever thought a little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness?

After a whole week of beloved movies from my childhood, I thought I’d mix it up a little and pander to the older crows with a beloved movie from GoNM’s childhood (ed. note: inside joke). She’s big, evil, green and she loves harassing those guilty of such meaningless transgressions as trespassing or killing her sister. She’s everything Wally isn’t… except green… and has a name that starts with “W”… and I’ll bet that fur has an aversion to water… whatever, I give up…

So classic comeuppance mojo arrives as we hope to reduce Vicente Padilla to a quivering mass of liquid. Red Sox fans would love nothing more than to see Padilla be reduced to tears, and watch him openly weep as he heads back to the bullpen. The witch may say “What a world”, but to the Phils it will be “What a (RS)Nation”. Besides, I’ll bet Dorothy was a Sox fan:

Boston Red“Slippers”? Close enough.

If you would like to participate from home in tonight’s mojo, keep a cup of water handy to toss on all those who dare block your view of the game. Or at least murder a close family member of theirs, preferably by crushing. Additionally, feel free to refer to Buck and McCarver as “flying monkeys” for the duration of the Fox Broadcast.

Friday, June 24, 2005

**MOJO** - Come-uppance Day 5

The Iceland Coach: Team USA's going down, that's where your going.

People complain about Philly fans in the national media pretty regularly. They boo too often, they’re mean tempered, they are so disorderly that they needed to install an entire justice system beneath the Vet. I’ll take Philly fans any day over those jerks from Iceland. The above heckle is delivered while Team USA is being recognized at the Junior Goodwill Games. Key word being “Goodwill”. Is that seriously necessary? They are booing and heckling a Team of kids at the JUNIOR GOODWILL GAMES. That’s like the dad picking fights at his son’s Little League game times a Million!

The entire country of Iceland is getting comeuppance today, and the city of Philadelphia will unfortunately be caught in the crossfire.

It’s a duo of knucklers for comeuppance mojo today, the knuckleball of Tim Wakefield and the knucklepuck of Russ Tyler (so capably played by Kenan Thompsom of Good Burger fame). Of course, Iceland realized the knuckler is impossible to beat, so they settled for whaling on Russ so he couldn’t get off a shot. But the Ducks were to smart for them, and they snuck Russ on to the ice in goalie Goldberg’s jersey to trick the jerks of Team Iceland into dropping their guard, and succeeding in scoring a knucklegoal.

Therefore, should Wakefield be having trouble today, I would like to see him switch jerseys with Mirabelli, thus confusing the Philly hitters and racking up the Ks. Hey… it worked for David Wells, why not Wakes?

If you’d like to participate from home in today’s mojo, say it with me:

quack, quack, Quack, Quack, QUACK, QUACK, QUACK, QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!!!

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

**MOJO** - Come-uppance Day 4

Stan: What are you looking at, nerd?
Booger: I thought I was looking at my mother's old douche-bag, but that's in Ohio.

That’s right folks, bust out the horn-rimmed glasses and the pocket protectors, time for some Revenge of the Nerds style come-uppance. “But wait, NU!”, you say, “the Boston Red Sox are a BASEBALL team! That’s the very essence of jockdom! You have cursed us all!”

That may be, but you are forgetting: this Red Sox team is quite possibly the nerdiest team in the history of MLB. Permit me to explain:

Exhibit A: Curt Schilling. He's been kown to post on internet message boards. He stays up all night playing Everquest. He’s even an admitted Dungeons and Dragons player. If you’ll allow me to indulge myself for a moment: NEEEEEERRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDD!!

Exhibit B: Lewis: “Jocks only think about sports, nerds only think about sex.” Remind you of anyone?

Exhibit C:

Exhibit D: Theo Epstein. Classic nerdlinger done good. He even went to Yale. Just look at this picture of him:

He looks like he fits right in.

Nerd mojo is quite clearly on our side, so lets stick it to those Alpha Beta/Cleveland Indian jerks. It’s nerd mojo all day today. Cheer along with me:

**clapping** Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

**MOJO** - Come-uppance Day 3

You're stewed, buttwad!

Damn that big bully Chet. Young Wyatt can rarely escape the wrath of his psychopathic older brother. That is, of course, until he manages to create a magical Kelly LeBrock with his home computer (ah, the days when computers were the stuff of magic and legend, to be feared by all those except the truly nerdy).

What would years of taunting, abuse and other hooliganism get the overbearing Chet? Naturally, his fate was to become the walking, talking embodiment of some Phillies fans nickname for tonight’s starter, Kevin Millwood.

So here’s to Arroyo being watched over tonight by a magical Kelly LeBrock (or Vanessa Angel for the under 20 rooters), and the Sox rolling to another win. If you want to help participate in tonight’s mojo, be sure to wear a bra on your head for tonight’s game… it couldn’t hurt.

Monday, June 20, 2005

**MOJO** - Come-uppance Day 2

The Boston Red Sox are a colorful bunch, and aren’t really known as the type of guys to get along with the blue bloods of the upper class. They like riding motorcycles, wearing their hair long and living on a steady diet of corn chips and beer. Just the type of guys who wouldn’t be welcome at Bushwood Country Club, and certainly not welcome to rub elbows with Judge Smalls while out on the golf course.

Don’t be surprised to see some gopher trails under Jacob’s Field. So be looking for the Sox to explode today, and enjoy the sweet, rich feeling that comes with knocking your social betters down a peg, even if it’s by living vicariously through a 25 year old movie.

It’s Caddyshack come-uppance mojo today, participate by yelling “Noonan!” every time CC Sabathia goes into his wind up.

CC: I want a hamburger... no, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milk shake...
Eric Wedge: You'll get nothing, and like it!

Sunday, June 19, 2005

**MOJO** - Come-uppance Day 1

Since the long tracks of time which may elapse between new content being posted on this site is a source of great shame for me, I've decided to do something about it. My one admitted regular reader suggested I transpose my Boston Red Sox mojo posts from to here for your viewing pleasure, and since I consider this a blog for the people (well... person, at least) that's exactly what I will do. To help separate them from run of the mill posts, they'll have the "**MOJO**" tag you see in the title.

A note on how this mojo works. In order to help bring some good luck to the Boston Red Sox, we find spirited things to inspire the team to victory, even if it is in a very oblique way. Every game has a sponsor (much like Sesame Street is brought to you by a letter and a number every day) which fits in the current theme. Theme's last for every day they bring home a win. The first game for a theme which results in a loss, that theme is retired and replaced for the next game. With Wham mojo bringing in a record 5 game winning streak before falling on Sunday, it's time for the first game of the new mojo: come-uppance mojo. Without further ado, the first in hopefully several come-uppance posts:

It has been over 80 games since the Boston Red Sox were last shut out at Fenway. It is rare that they play the lowly nerd to the bullyish aggressor of an opponent's pitching staff. However, when it happens, there is a cosmic fate which applies to all bullies: the inevitability of come-uppance. For the start of the new Sox win streak under Come-Uppance Mojo, we present the patron saint of bullies everywhere: Biff Tannen.
Image hosted by
Never before has a bully managed to harass nerdlingers not only across distances, but across TIME ITSELF! Biff Tannen is the Alpha Bully all bullies wish they could be. However, even though he is lewd, crude and dumber than a bag of hammers, not even he is immune to the powerful force of Come-Uppance.
Image hosted by
Lets Go Sox, make the Pirates pitchers taste the bitter taste of come-uppance. I'll bet it tastes a lot like manure.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Excitement He Wrote!

My post schedule is pretty irregular. If you have paid even the scantest amount of attention to this site, you'll have picked up on this pretty quickly. Sometimes, I'll throw out several articles a week, then suddenly the well will dry. That's the advantage of having exactly zero credibility, you also have zero responsibility. Sure, the returns are low, but so is the overhead. So to my 3.5 readers, I'm sorry I'm not entertaining you more often.

Part of the reason for this is that I am finding additional creative outlets now. I'll occasionally pop up in other folks comments sections when something there intrigues me. The most glaring case of this was a recent entry from Empyreal's site. She has "former Red Sox utility IF/ emergency RP Dave McCarty" contribute every Friday in an article I find myself regularly looking forward to. In one particular article discussing human perception and the art of object flight tracking, she made the mistake of mentioning me, and what happened was an incredibly geeky dialogue between me and an imaginary construct representing a hyper-intellectual Red Sox player. With somewhat predictable results. I've mentioned Empy's site before, and I think I like it because it shows me what my writing might possibly be like if I was smarter, wittier, could refrain from using curse words, and could actually update at a semi-reasonable rate. That may sound like flattery, but none of those things are particularly difficult to attain.

I've also begun writing unsolicited mini articles for a Red Sox Message Board on the finer points of mojo. Basically, it means I am trying to explain why ALF will lead the team to victory on a given day (he didn't). But coming up with a new theme for each win streak and a new mojo for every single game is proving to be a fun challenge, even after only a few weeks. Not to mention making it last for the next 4 months. Tune in for the ongoing experience of Wham! mojo, going for it's fourth straight victory on Wednesday.

I'm looking into other creative outlets as well, such as satisfying the amateur film itch I've been having lately. It's been 6 months since I finished work on my last movie, and the itch to play with Adobe Premiere is happening again. The last one was pretty well recieved, but when you make a movie about "the following people totally rule", chances are those people will like it. It figures that film making would be a hobby I'd take an interest in, as if that won't be a labor intensive pursuit. Well, this guy apparantly has a movie idea, and he is interested in me writing/editing for it, so we'll see if it goes anywhere. I told him I would be happy to as long as he doesn't mind having someone "dangerously underqualified" doing the work.

Until next time. Of course, next time could be tomorrow. Or it could be August. Until then, I don't know, play Bejewled or something.