Saturday, April 02, 2005

Butt on a Telephone Wire, Indeed

It has become painfully clear that no matter what they say, women are liars and in fact do not want guys to be honest with them. Accepting this as fact is the first step. The new step is deciding what my brand new background story is going to be. I've narrowed it down to the following choices:

  • The World's Strongest Millionaire: Chicks dig money, chicks dig tough guys. I can't lose.
  • Competitive Beard Grower: It would be a great conversation starter, and it would give me an excuse to grow a wicked awesome beard. I'm thinking an Ambrose Burnside.
  • Hollywood Stunt Driver: Not only is it a sweet manly profession, but you could easily drop names left and right. The trick is to abbreviate whenever possible. "After work on 2F2 (that's 2 Fast 2 Furious) Paul (Walker) wanted to hit up the town with me and Luda(cris). It was cool, but Paul drinks Strawberry daiquiris exclusively. It was weird."
  • Ninja: If she doesn't believe me, I'd just throw down a smoke bomb and disappear. When I show up dropping from the ceiling 20 minutes later, I'll bet she'd try to hump me right there on the bar.
  • American Idol Talent Scout: But American Idol is a real competition I can vote on! Silly girl, the producers pick who gets on that show long in advance, with a lot of help from yours truly. Oh, you want to be a singer? How convenient.
  • The "other kid" from the Goonies: Not Chunk. Not the Asian kid with the gadgets. Not Corey Feldman. The other one. I think I can make up just enough fake "on the set" stories to pull that off, and really, who amongst the female population wouldn't wear "I nailed a Goonie" like a badge of honor. Goonies never say "die", and women never say "no" to Goonies.

I guess I should feel bad for my premeditated falsehoods, but I see the guys women are taking home, and frankly they deserve it. Who are these guys, you ask? Simple: they're not me.

-Hawaii out


Anonymous Empyreal said...

You had me at "millionaire."

Other ideas:
1. Red Sox ticket office employee ("I can get you into Opening Day...easy.")
2. Part owner of the Lena Blackburne Baseball Rubbing Mud company ("You won't believe what else we can use this mud for....)
3. "Hi, I'm a high ceiling prospect in the Greenville Bombers. How you doin'?"

On second thought, this only works on a particular subset of the female population.

5:19 PM, April 02, 2005  

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