Monday, March 28, 2005

God of War

I was all set to upload a whole bunch of articles... then I got my hands on a copy of God of War. This is one of the best games I've played in a long time. Ripping through untold hordes of mythical creatures, in horrific graphic detail, brings me untold amounts of happiness. Whether it's slaying hydra hundreds of times my size, stabbing cyclops in the eye with my Blade of Chaos, or simply ripping minions in two with my bare hands, this game continues to dispense heaping amounts of joy. It is difficult to find the words to aptly describe the pleasure to be found in grabbing a harpy out of mid air, holding it by the arms and stomping on its torso, effectively tearing each of its wings off in one swift movement. I've done it at least a hundred times, and I'm still not tired of it.

And plopped right on top of all this senselessly brutal killing, there is also gratuitous female nudity to keep me entertained. Whether it's the random demi-god groupies or the Oracle of Athens, about half the female characters are topless... for no real reason. They could just as easily be wearing clothes, it's not as if being able to see their nipples is an essential plot point. This game is great on its own, uncensored digital boobies is simply an added bonus. It would be like winning a mansion, and then finding oil in the back yard.

I'd say I'd post more later, or even finish the stuff that's all ready half written, but I've got to get back to this game. Athens is depending on me.

-Hawaii out

Thursday, March 24, 2005


If I asked you what the most dangerous animal in the ocean was, what would you answer? The shark, maybe. They're basically living killing machines, so I could see that. The killer whale? You might have an argument there. The tuna? You might be surprised. But you would be wrong: it's the merwolf.

A merwolf is obviously the result of a mermaid being bitten by a werewolf, creating a half-man half-wolf half-fish abomination that lives only to swim, kill and occasionally duet with faux-Caribbean crabs. Not much is known about these legendary creatures, and I got to wondering about what they are like.

If they are swimming deep under the waves, and it's a full moon out, how would they know? I can't imagine you could see very well down there. Might they miss the full moon? I'll bet that would be embarrassing, their friend's would never let them hear the end of that.

How could you kill a merwolf? Silver bullets wouldn't be too effective, seeing as a bullet loses almost all its energy in the first 6 feet of water (I don't know how I knew that fact without looking it up... or fact checking it). I'd imagine you would need some kind of silver harpoon. I bet Ahab would cream himself if he ever got his hands on one those. Right before he got mauled to death by a merwolf, that is. Ahab couldn't beat a white whale. In fact, since it's albino it means the whale had a genetic defect, which probably means it was mentally handicapped too. A man who can not out think a retarded whale stands no chance of defeating a merwolf.

I wonder how the merwolf would breath underwater? Wolves don't have gills, they're mammals, and a wolf with a blow hole would simply be far too lame. But then again, mermaids don't have gills either. Wait a minute, how the hell do mermaids breathe underwater...

...I think I just blew my own mind.

-Hawaii out

New and Not Improved

I decided to move the blog onto a new site. The plan is to make short posts more often. The odds of this actually coming to fruition are about equal to the chances it will start raining gold dubloons outside my house, simultaneously making me rich and destroying everything in their path. I'll be moving all the old content onto this site, so the old one will eventually become obsolete. The first article to get that treatment is the Death via Molasses post, featuring the infamous Eggman cartoon in which he regrets nothing. It is the post I recieved the most positive feedback about, in that it is the ONLY post I ever recieved positive feedback about.

In the meantime, you should watch this video, as I found it tremendously entertaining, and at the same time horrifically tragic. But it's stick figure tragedy, so thats different, I guess.


-Hawaii out