Saturday, October 30, 2004

hyperbolic away message mojo

As many of you may have noticed, a certain team in a certain city just won a championship, so I've been kind of busy not sleeping and obsessing over baseball to put my thoughts in blog form. It'll happen soon, I promise (not a real promise). Today is frisbee playoffs, and the road to Fall Hat Campionship starts here. Because the following is about 1200 words over the limit AIM puts on away messages, hyperbolic away message mojo is making a cameo appearence in the blog today.

Prepare yourself, Burlington, Massachusetts, an Ultimate force is decending upon you, coming with the speed of a mongoose, the strength of 10 angry polar bears, and the intelligence of an owl wearing glasses and a graduation cap. My performance on the field will be so awe inspiring, as the word of mouth spreads, all other activities will stop as it draws in others' attention, not only around the fields, but across the city, the state, the entire nation. Billionaires will line up 10 deep for a chance to talk me into starting up a professional Ultimate League, showing contracts with 16 digits on them, and promises of deals all ready made with ESPN to carry the games nationally. The International Olympic Committee will arrive by limosuine, and present to me a retroactive gold medal for Ultimate for the 2004 Summer Games to a rousing chorus of "U-S-A! U-S-A!", as it is plain for them to see that any sort of actual entry of Ultimate in the games would have been a mere formality.

The strongest of men will be reduced to tears, crying like blubbering infants at the sight of my play. Hot chicks will be fighting for the chance to get close enough to even see me, fighting, clawing and pulling hair just trying to get close, and then inevitably making out with each other. The hot chicks unfortunate enough to be at the back of the crowd will be reduced to settling with making life size facimiles of me, and then humping their self-made effigies. My play on the field will be so powerful, it will inspire scientists to resurrect William Shakespeare, Ernest Hemingway and ancient Greece's Homer from the dead to both write of its gloriousness and to eat the brains of my opponents.

Pity those forced to line up against me today, for it will be like the irresistable force and the immovable object have teamed up to turn the world of physics on its head, to tear the very fabric of space/time asunder, and to humialiate those that stand in their way in front of their friends. Remember today, because starting tomorrow will be the start of a new calendar year. Now is Zero Hour, as tomorrow is Day 1 AH, "After Hawaii".

--Hawaii out


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