Thursday, August 19, 2004

MXP: An objective review

I would like to take this time to applaud a landmark of American film making. I saw MXP - Most Extreme Primate, and frankly, it is the greatest cinematic achievement of the last 40 years. Let me sum up the appeal of this movie for you: A monkey freakin snowboards!

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The only reason I've only rated this movie 5 stars is because it won't let me give it 15. There are few greater joys in this world than watching that monkey shred down the slopes, take off on jumps, and even rip up the halfpipe. Now I know what you must be thinking: 90 minutes of a monkey snowboarding, won't I get bored? Well, first off, if you cannot enjoy watching an extreme sports monkey for 90 minutes you should lock yourself in a poorly ventilated room with a bucket full of ammonia and bleach and not come out until you have better taste in movies. But, if you are the sort of unfeeling person that would need more to experience unbridled joy, this movie provides more. Much more.

· Monkeys dressed up in ponchos and sombreros.
· Monkey playing X-Box.
· Monkey throwing Jujubes into peoples food.
· The worst Keanu Reeves impersonation since The Watcher.
· Monkey answering the telephone.
· Monkey going through a morning bathroom routine (quite possibly my favorite scene in the movie).
· A fat kid getting abandoned, possibly forever.
· Oh, and in case I forgot to mention it: a monkey freaking snowboarding!

I enjoyed this movie so much, Hollywood should follow its example and continue putting monkeys snowboarding on film. Think about how much better some recent movies would have been if there was a shredding monkey in them.

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I suppose this movie isn't for everyone. There is an audience out there who wouldn't appreciate the joys that this movie can bring to people. Those people are called cold, heartless, baby-eating Nazis. People who don't appreciate the brilliance of a snowboarding monkey are no better than people who dress like clowns so they can have sex with children. If you don't like this movie, in a way, you are one of the terrorists. There, I said it. Watch and enjoy this movie, or move back to Germany and kill puppies for sexual thrills, because obviously that is the only thing that gets you off.

OK, my love for all things "monkey sports" is getting the better of me, so I will leave you with one final thought:

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If that photo does not put joy in your heart, come on by and tell me. That way, I can punch you in the face.

--Hawaii out


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