Thursday, August 19, 2004

MXP: An objective review

I would like to take this time to applaud a landmark of American film making. I saw MXP - Most Extreme Primate, and frankly, it is the greatest cinematic achievement of the last 40 years. Let me sum up the appeal of this movie for you: A monkey freakin snowboards!

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The only reason I've only rated this movie 5 stars is because it won't let me give it 15. There are few greater joys in this world than watching that monkey shred down the slopes, take off on jumps, and even rip up the halfpipe. Now I know what you must be thinking: 90 minutes of a monkey snowboarding, won't I get bored? Well, first off, if you cannot enjoy watching an extreme sports monkey for 90 minutes you should lock yourself in a poorly ventilated room with a bucket full of ammonia and bleach and not come out until you have better taste in movies. But, if you are the sort of unfeeling person that would need more to experience unbridled joy, this movie provides more. Much more.

· Monkeys dressed up in ponchos and sombreros.
· Monkey playing X-Box.
· Monkey throwing Jujubes into peoples food.
· The worst Keanu Reeves impersonation since The Watcher.
· Monkey answering the telephone.
· Monkey going through a morning bathroom routine (quite possibly my favorite scene in the movie).
· A fat kid getting abandoned, possibly forever.
· Oh, and in case I forgot to mention it: a monkey freaking snowboarding!

I enjoyed this movie so much, Hollywood should follow its example and continue putting monkeys snowboarding on film. Think about how much better some recent movies would have been if there was a shredding monkey in them.

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I suppose this movie isn't for everyone. There is an audience out there who wouldn't appreciate the joys that this movie can bring to people. Those people are called cold, heartless, baby-eating Nazis. People who don't appreciate the brilliance of a snowboarding monkey are no better than people who dress like clowns so they can have sex with children. If you don't like this movie, in a way, you are one of the terrorists. There, I said it. Watch and enjoy this movie, or move back to Germany and kill puppies for sexual thrills, because obviously that is the only thing that gets you off.

OK, my love for all things "monkey sports" is getting the better of me, so I will leave you with one final thought:

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If that photo does not put joy in your heart, come on by and tell me. That way, I can punch you in the face.

--Hawaii out

Monday, August 02, 2004

oh like you've never been lazy before

So it's been a while since I put up a post. I have my reasons. Chief among them laziness and disiterest. You know, there are plenty of other ways that you can spend your time that aren't bugging me about not posting in months. For example:

· You could take up a hobby, like base-jumping off of national landmarks, or collecting pictures of ugly people .
· You can answer the age old question: which is more addictive to children? Chocolate or crack rocks?
· You could get a bunch of dolls, and utilize the gift of your imagination. For example, you could dress them up like your ex-girlfriends. And then get into huge arguments with your doll/girlfriends that leave you in tears. Then one day you could come home from work early and find your faux-girlfriend in bed with your GI Joes. And then won't you feel good backing your car up over them several times. I know I did.
· You could be like Kim Tooker and post things on the internet under fictitious identities.
· You could experience total conciousness. I hear its nice.
· Seriously, you are all ready on the internet. Do you have any idea how much porn there is on the internet? I'll give you a hint: it's a lot.
· If none of this interests you, there is something else you could do: blow me.

--Hawaii out