Monday, April 26, 2004

no connection from one paragraph to the next

For those of you wondering what category of college student I fall into (I’m looking at you, “Will”), truth be told, I’m a rare hybrid with elements of the following:

10% SNOB – One of those jerks that just thinks they are better than everyone else. Quick to point out others faults, and last to admit they have any of their own.

60% DORK – Characterized by obsessive personal tastes and poor personal hygiene, dorks can often be found cataloging hundreds of hours doing their addiction of choice. These can range among as varied topics as Japanese Animation, science fiction books, kung-fu movies, the Simpsons… you get the idea. They are typically gifted intelligently, but not so much socially. In fact, you are more likely to see them tapping into internet message boards than you are a fresh keg. Often benign and harmless individuals, they are usually content to enjoy their obsession of choice with like minded dorks. Of course, dorks are not to be confused with geeks, nerds, bookworms or lamewads.

30% DRAMA KID – Notice the use of the word “kid” as opposed to the word “queen”. A Drama Queen would be someone that craves attention because every little bad thing that happens to them is the worst thing in the world, and every hardship that they have ever had to overcome belongs in the annals of history. Drama Kids are the ones who will do just about anything to entertain people, whether it be on the stage acting, doing goofy shit while drunk for others amusement, or otherwise finding ways to entertain. It should be noted that it is very possible to be both.

Hope that answers your question “Will”. You get the fantastic quotation marks because I wasn’t aware I knew anyone named Will, and I refuse to believe that anyone outside of maybe 20 people I know actually reads this. For all intents and purposes, I will assume “Will” is a typo, and you meant to type “Kim Tooker”.

So I had this dream the other night that I was in my CJ class, and the professor started collecting a big paper that I had no idea had even been assigned. One of those 50% of your grade, papers. I was sweating bullets wondering how I could have fucked up so bad that I completely missed writing it, having just the worst feeling in the world. I then woke up, and I was in my room, and I was relieved it was just a dream. But I wondered: why I would have such a weird dream? I then realized it was because I really did have a paper due that I hadn’t written, and now I had no time to actually write it. Once again, that sick, panicked feeling swept over me. And then I woke up again, but for real this time. Turns out, that paper doesn’t exist. Just a glimpse into the nightmare that is my day to day life.

Sometimes, I am simply amazed by the stupidity of people. Take Weidong Xu, for example. Weidong is a former Harvard instructor of medicine. Weidong got greedy, and decided to bilk friends and coworkers out of $600,000. That isn’t the dumb part. He claimed he was starting a SARS research facility in China and needed startup funds. Not surprisingly, it worked perfectly, and he quickly gained a ridiculous amount of money. This is where things start to get dumber than a Mr. Mister Reunion tour. You see, Weidong was picked up by the police during an argument he was having with one of his donors who was demanding his $5,000 back. Weidong figured out the grab the money part, forgot the escaping scot free part. He just hung around town, after collecting $600k for his Chinese Research Laboratory. He didn’t think: “hey, maybe to not arouse suspicion, I should go to China.”? Of course not. But what to do with all that money? Well, being the cunning business man that Weidong is, he naturally decided to invest it. And he did so in the most sound business venture ever sent to his e-mail inbox unsolicited: he put it all into the notorious Nigerian princess scheme. How in the name of all that is holy does this happen!?! The man is smart enough to teach at Harvard, shifty enough to steal from his friends and coworkers under the guise of deadly disease research, and crafty enough to get $600,000 in doing so, but he doesn’t know better than to send all your money to someone you know only through email claiming to be an African diplomat? My brother Duncan received the exact same e-mail a few weeks ago. He too responded to the Nigerians seeking aid:
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I finished The Da Vinci Code the other afternoon. I highly recommend it. It may be classified as a “suspense thriller”, a dubious genre, at best, however the book was not only entertaining, but enlightening as well. For all of you who actually respect my opinion in such matters (I’m looking at you, “Will”), do your self a favor and pick up this book. Of course, many of you are all ready turned off to the idea, since it involves reading. (**end product placement portion of weblog**)

All right, God: yeah, you have a grand plan, and sure you work in mysterious ways, but seriously, this shit has got to stop. I feel I’ve been very patient with you, but this is getting a little ridiculous. Don’t think I won’t come up there.

You can file this under: “reasons Matt is losing all faith in democracy”. A Louisiana state senator introduced a bill that would attach a $500 fine to wearing low riding pants. The state is home to Mardi Gras for cripes sake! Hey, State Rep. Derrick Shepherd, you know, I’ll bet there are still homeless people in your state. Cancer still hasn’t been cured yet. I’m sure you can find some veteran’s halls that could use some extra funding. In other words: There Are 8,000 Better Ways To Serve The People of Louisiana That Don’t Involve Hassling People Needlessly! Especially not with laws which all ready have judicial precedence stating that low slung pants fall well outside jurisdictional boundaries set up in obscenity laws. As if a little fine is going to stop anyone. Seriously, has this guy even heard of Girls Gone Wild? (Speaking of which, apparently an SHS alumnus made her film debut in one of these videos. If anyone has any insider information, my curiosity would greatly appreciate it.)

That’s all for now. Until something else gives me the urge to talk to myself in text form.

--Hawaii out