Wednesday, February 18, 2004

death has a sweet tooth

About 85 years ago, a disaster happened in Boston that we can “proudly” say we have the unique distinction of being the only city to suffer such a catastrophe: we had a Molasses Flood. You see, a tank holding 2.2 million gallons of molasses ruptured, sending a wave of sticky goop that was three stories tall down Commercial St. in the North End. Twenty-one people, a dozen horses and one stupid cat met their sugary demise.

Can you imagine what it feels like to drown in molasses? To get an idea, go ahead in your cupboard or fridge and take out your maple syrup. Squeeze a generous portion out into your hand, and then slap yourself in the face with it. Or better yet, your friend’s face. For the most accurate representation, they should be caught by surprise, so it is best to do it while they are sleeping. They may be mad at first, but once you start the eulogy honoring those who were lost, they’ll sober up. I mean, are they such a huge jerk that they would disrupt a ceremony of remembrance?

Can it really be that hard to get out of the way of molasses? Molasses is hardly a substance that is associated with speed. Quite the opposite really. Did they see it coming and think: “Well, I best get out of the way…. right after I finish this crossword puzzle. Hmmm, 8-letter word meaning sugar?” That’s just laziness on their parts. Especially that stupid cat.

Well, moving off the subject of confectionary negligence, it’s time to show that there are people that come to this site who aren’t looking for Orbit Gum Girl porn (you’d be surprised at the redirects I get). It’s Hip Hop Appreciation week, so use the Blog Board to the left to post your DJ/MC pseudonym. Best name gets a prize. Don’t worry, my timid, bashful readers, I’ll go first.

--Hawaii out

Friday, February 13, 2004

politicians, wrestling fans and other nerds

“I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: democracy just doesn’t work.”
--Kent Brockman

Apparently, one nutjob politician isn’t enough for California, the state that now brings us the public policy genius that is San Francisco Democrat Leland Yee. Lee recently introduced a bill into the state senate that would require the state architect to adopt design standards which follow the principles outlined by Feng Shui. Isn’t California in the middle of a budget crisis? Wouldn’t you hope that the state senate would have better things to do with their time? This is what California really needs, more pretentious crap strewn about everywhere. “Hi, which office do I go to apply for a marriage license?” “No problem, just go down the hallway to the left of the floor to ceiling mirror, take a right at the fountain filled with goldfish, it’s the door with the Chinese character for unity” “On second thought, it’ll be easier to just move to Oregon. That will save me the trouble of punching you in the face.”

Speaking of marriage licenses, I’m sure you’ve all heard of the current craziness going down in Massachusetts. The SJC says that any law preventing two people from marrying is unconstitutional, including civil union laws. The most important part of the ruling is the SJC’s acknowledgement that “separate is very rarely equal”. Naturally, what is a legislature to do following an unconstitutionality ruling, but change the Constitution to prohibit same-sex marriages. Naturally, though, the legislature is on the right track, all though, I don’t think they will go as far as they should. First, ban marriages between same-sex marriages, then, stricter sodomy laws. Make that a capital offense. Then, we take the needed step to ban interracial marriages. Marriage is a sacred institution, which is cheapened every time a Mexican marries a Dutchman. Then once we manage that, the amendment that deports all Asians.

Enough political commentary, back to stars of the movie Predator (and Running Man, although everyone seems to forget that one). Jesse “the Body” Ventura is now employed at Harvard. Naturally, Northeastern has to counter this high profile addition to Harvard’s teaching staff. We all ready have Dukakis teaching classes, and Gorbachev is a professor here on paper, however they don’t really have the splash that Ventura does. Thankfully, I have just the answer: Jim “Ultimate Warrior” Hellwig. He has been doing guest appearances on Fox News lately, and I think he will be a premier addition to the NU staff. Of course, he has legally changed his name to “Warrior”, but I think Professor Warrior has a nice sound to it. He recently addressed a group of PSU students on conservatism, whom he told: "The difference between conservatism and liberalism is the difference between thinking and feeling. Those who think make the world work -- not those who feel." He closed by stating: “No iniquity or cruelty can exceed our own if we pusillanimously ... surrender successive generations to a condition of wretchedness. Will you do in your life what will live forever?"

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a proud day at Northeastern

Well, while our first former professional wrestler on staff may not materialize, that doesn’t mean we can’t stick it to those Harvard nerds. The NU News published an article in the sports section this week poking fun at all the über-nerds in the Harvard Pep Band. This is completely uncalled for, let those spirited young Harvard chaps enjoy themselves. Sure they may play lots of Bon Jovi, and yeah some of them do look like Bill Gates’ illegitimate son, but that’s no reason to… who am I kidding? NERDS!!!!!!

So, people stopped talking about Paris Hilton in favor of Janet Jackson. That is, they did, until the full-length, unedited Paris Hilton video [ed: NSFW] was released for $50. Of course, after you download it, you can only watch it 5 times. I’m sorry, but for fifty dollars, I should not only get the video on DVD, I should get a free hj from a Paris Hilton look alike.

These are the things I think about while up late, listening to nerdcore hip-hop.

--Hawaii out