Saturday, January 03, 2004

new years

It’s a brand new year, so time to make a list of New Year’s Resolutions:

· Be as bad as I know I can be
· Work my voodoo on the lady fans
· Build a shrine to my own bad ass
· Stick it to all the suckas
· Show the man that I mean business

Wait a minute, those aren’t my resolutions, those are Samuel L. Jackson’s resolutions. These are the things I will be doing in 2004:

· Become less tolerant of the French
· Cradle a newborn baby in the ruins of a church
· Get superpowers (either by being bombarded with radiation, or harnessing my latent X-gene)
· Make millions of dollars in the recording industry, then spend it all on hookers and blow
· Punch Dr. Phil right in his smug face
· Find a way to better balance the “video games beaten to women slept with” ratio
· Win UPA College Nationals
· Meet Neil Diamond
· Become so awesome that an award is invented, "the Awesomest Man in the Universe", which would be retired following its presentation to me because giving it to anyone else would be an insult
· Get a pet shark, name him the Sharkletron the Devourer, and outfit him with robotic attachments, like a chainsaw dorsal fin to cut into boats and torpedoes located under his pectoral fins. He also would have an infrared eye piece to better locate food.
· Become CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Spend all of its assets on hookers and blow
· Throw a raging kegger in either a rehab clinic or a maximum security prison
· Teach a bear karate
· Find Hitler’s corpse, urinate on it
· Discover the meaning of life, use it to score some tail
I think if I can do even half of these things, I'll have a pretty good year.

--Hawaii out

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