Thursday, January 22, 2004

i hate fighting with loved ones

Why do you do this to me, ESPN? It’s been a solid month since the A-Rod rumors were put to rest, why couldn’t you leave them that way? Slow news day be damned, there is no reason to be toying with my heart like this.

Even without one Mr. Rodriguez coming to Boston, this is easily the most exciting off season I can remember. As it stands right now, I can hardly wait until pitchers and catchers report in 6 weeks. However, I really don’t need to be checking sports sites for news every 25 minutes like had been absolutely necessary while those damn trade rumors were going on. It didn’t pan out, that’s fine. It hardly seems like settling when you are watching Nomar and Manny in your lineup. But thanks to a source close to the Chicago White Sox (mind your own business, jerks) the talks are back on for this weekend. Fan-friggin-tastic. Then, for no good reason at all, starts selling Red Sox A-Rod jerseys. What in the blue hell is that all about? They said that it was a prank by one individual and was taken down after a few minutes, but there are reports of them being up since last Friday before they got taken down. This is getting ri-goddamn-diculous. This damn rumor is like the dead horse coming back to life to tell you to stop beating it.

All I want from you, ESPN, is your informative sports updates (not unsubstantiated rumor updates), your insightful commentary, and for Chris Berman to stop giving people nicknames. Is it really necessary to say “He fought the Law and the Law won” every time you show Ty Law. And God forbid, if I have to hear “Daylight come and he want to Delhomme” one more time, I may have to use a bee hive for a speed bag in the hopes that the massive swelling will block off my ears.

I propose that we replace Chris Berman on Sportscenter with that “Man of Action”: Black Eggman of Buddy Lee (click on the man of action quiz, and then the commercials on the left) fame. I can all ready see the highlights in my head. (clip: Patriots intercept a deep pass thrown by the Panthers) “Delhomme rips off a long bomb and.. don’t you do it! **pounds desk** Don’t you do it!” (clip: Bruschi gets a sack) “Ohhh, he was on him like a hobo on a ham sandwich.”

Or better yet, just put on World Series of Poker and Trick Shot Pool Championships all day. I could sit and watch that until my legs stopped working.

--Hawaii out

Saturday, January 03, 2004

new years

It’s a brand new year, so time to make a list of New Year’s Resolutions:

· Be as bad as I know I can be
· Work my voodoo on the lady fans
· Build a shrine to my own bad ass
· Stick it to all the suckas
· Show the man that I mean business

Wait a minute, those aren’t my resolutions, those are Samuel L. Jackson’s resolutions. These are the things I will be doing in 2004:

· Become less tolerant of the French
· Cradle a newborn baby in the ruins of a church
· Get superpowers (either by being bombarded with radiation, or harnessing my latent X-gene)
· Make millions of dollars in the recording industry, then spend it all on hookers and blow
· Punch Dr. Phil right in his smug face
· Find a way to better balance the “video games beaten to women slept with” ratio
· Win UPA College Nationals
· Meet Neil Diamond
· Become so awesome that an award is invented, "the Awesomest Man in the Universe", which would be retired following its presentation to me because giving it to anyone else would be an insult
· Get a pet shark, name him the Sharkletron the Devourer, and outfit him with robotic attachments, like a chainsaw dorsal fin to cut into boats and torpedoes located under his pectoral fins. He also would have an infrared eye piece to better locate food.
· Become CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Spend all of its assets on hookers and blow
· Throw a raging kegger in either a rehab clinic or a maximum security prison
· Teach a bear karate
· Find Hitler’s corpse, urinate on it
· Discover the meaning of life, use it to score some tail
I think if I can do even half of these things, I'll have a pretty good year.

--Hawaii out