Thursday, July 31, 2003

Australia: Wild Animal Kingdom

I don't know what in the hell the deal is with Australia's wildlife. CNN recently ran a story on Koala bears, who apparently are being put on birth control pills because they are in danger of breeding themselves into extinction. That’s right, it's Koalas Gone Wild!! See what happens when krazy kollege koalas get out on spring break and hit the town! And if over-sexed Koala sluts aren't your thing, check out the Zeus bug. Man does this guy know how to live or what? All he does is ride around the back of a female Zeus bug (who is twice his size) everywhere, who feeds him and has sex with him as often as he wants. That's right, she drives him around, cooks him every meal, and gives out constant sex. They might as well call it the Asian Stud bug, because this little guy is just living the dream. You throw in the boxing Kangaroos and Paul Hogan (That's not a witty one liner. THIS IS A WITTY ONE LINER.) and Australia may have the coolest wildlife around. Except for that fucked up duck/beaver thing.

-Matt out

Monday, July 21, 2003

i hate the French

So now the French government is banning English words like "e-mail" that they feel are infringing on their native French language. Stupid goddamn French people, their government really needs to be finding better things to do than banning English words and surrendering to the Germans. The 7-year old commission (this commission has been around for SEVEN YEARS!) has decided they are replacing it with the French word "courriel" in all official documents, which Americans will quickly file under "Who Gives a Crap". Seriously though, do the French really need a group of guys who's sole job is to act indignant towards Americans? Isn't that every Frenchman? Not that I mean to stereotype, but every single French person is snotty, rude, indignant towards Americans, loves Jerry Lewis, has a horrible culinary taste and bathes far too infrequently.

It's now settled; to spite the French I am no longer using any assimilated French words. The following are changes to English vocabulary:
· a "rendezvous" is now a "meeting"
· a "garage" is now a "carhole"
· "hors d'oeuvres" will be "pre-foods"
· the "ballet" is "pretty toe-dancing"
· "restaurants" are now "food shacks"
· "to promenade" is now "to mosey" or "to amble"
· "to surrender" will be "to France out"
· a "buffet" is a "gluttony-barn"

Sometimes I think I'm being too hard on the French. But then I remember that for every sexy French maid, there are 100 stupid French mimes.

-Matt out

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

milestones

On September 13, at 08:55:40 PM, I turn 700,000,000 seconds old. Party at my place.

--Matt out

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

if only she had junk i could pummell

I went to the Summer Sanitarium tour this past weekend. Metallica kicked my ass, it was great. However, it allowed me to witness perhaps the most interesting sociological event I've ever seen: a woman flashing her tits too much.

Let's paint the scene for you: It was before Metallica's set, so the sun was not yet gone and the crowd had half an hour to kill. This older woman wearing a bandana and a ratty white tank top gets up on her mans shoulders and starts rubbing her tits around, and the crowd starts to chant for her. Much to their delight, out was whipped the older, sagging titties with a big tattoo down the left one. The crowd cheered, a good time had by all.

Then, she flashes again: the crowd cheers again. Now she is just leaving them out, and mashing them around with her hands. The crowd now becomes disinterested, and she returns to the crowd and anonymity. Oh if only this was the end of it. A few minutes later she is flashing and rubbing her tits again, however now no one is cheering her on. This doesn't stop her though. She continually rubs her sagging tits to no ones delight but her own. After several more minutes of this, the crowd actually begins to boo this woman for showing her tits. She again disappears, however is back again not five minutes later resuming her act, to more jeers and boos. At this point an attractive young girl behind me gets up on her friends shoulders and flashes her own tits shouting "These ones don't sag, honey!" Inexplicably, this causes the rather unattractive older woman to begin licking her own nipples.

Taking another short break, she is back again a few minutes later, however the crowd is no longer content at just booing this woman, and begin throwing garbage at her. Empty water bottles and beer cups are careening off of this woman, and she still insists on flashing her unappealing chest. You would think that taking a bottle upside the head would settle your exhibitionism, but apparently not. In sheer frustration, a young man removed his own t-shirt and threw it at her shouting "Put it on!" Confused, this woman dropped the t-shirt into the crowd and flashed the young man her tits, grinding them on her chest with her hands.
Amazingly, this woman continued to flash the crowd for another 15 to 20 minutes, the entire time being pelted with garbage by the crowd. Never in my life have I seen someone so incapable of taking a hint. Can someone please provide insight into what in the blue hell was going through this woman's mind that didn't allow her to keep her tits in her ugly ass tank top?

-- Hawaii out

Saturday, July 05, 2003

pants are for the unexciting

Holy crap it is hot in my apartment. Hot enough that I've established a new floating holiday. It started by me sweltering in my old brick building of an apartment, and then declaring it was "Pantsless O’clock" this afternoon. Apparently, "o'clock" is a time period which lasts all day. So the new floating holiday is "Pantsless [insert period of time]", and can be celebrated at anytime. You'll know it is Pantsless Day, for example, when I remove my pants and yell at you all day to do the same. The great thing about this holiday: none of this "once a year" crap. It can happen every day for a week if I so decide. Which I just might. Just remember, the best way to bond with friends is without pants, so free yourself from those cloth barriers of oppression and live life how God intended: with no pants.

-Pantsless 5-0 out

Thursday, July 03, 2003

more like world's biggest idiot

The Globe ran a story on the sale of the "World's Largest French Fry". Not really believing it, I had to look it up for myself. Let me see if I am understanding this: some yokel in Wisconsin finds what in his estimation is a really big french fry. He puts said French Fry on e-bay. Two hundred dollars later, some other idiot from Wisconsin owns it. Does this make anyone else feel like they should jump off of a bridge because there is no hope for humanity? Who has two hundred dollars that is that disposable? According to the bid history, there were a total of 10 bids over 100 dollars for that little piece of potato. $100.00!!! I'm gonna have to deep fry a whole, uncut potato, that'll teach that fucker.

You want to know who this is the worst for? The poor guy who runs the restaurant this french fry came from. Sure all this publicity is bound to be good for business, and whatever puts people in the seats can't be all bad, can it? But now everyone is ordering fries expecting some crime against nature that will get them $200 on e-bay. Those are some expectations I wouldn't want to be trying to meet everyday.

--Hawaii out

Tuesday, July 01, 2003

hulk smash

This whole movie merchandising thing is getting out of hand. Do you see these new foam "Hulk Hands" you can buy. They make smashing noises when you hit things with them. Sometimes even, Hulk will start yelling "Hulk Smash". In fact, he has multiple catch phrases, like "Hulk go see new Hulk movie."; "Hulk buy merchandise."; "Hulk go see new Hulk movie again."; and "Matrix sucks." Not only that, but each glove has a little warning on them: "Do not strike any person, animal, or object." What in the hell are you supposed to do with them?? Type with them? (with gloves): [it5 iws v ery nhartd to user tyhese globvers while typing, i dfont know how Strong Bad does kit.] Man, why did I ever get these stupid gloves.

--Hawaii out