Thursday, December 04, 2003

its a good thing I like to buy stuff

I hate advertising. It drives me insane. I can’t read a magazine without every other page blaring its wares at me. Flipping the pages: Ty Murray, Retired 7-Time World Champion All-Around Cowboy tells me I should chew tobacco. Is this a real title: World Chapion Cowboy? I’m sure it was a tight heat between him, the Mongolian cowboy team, and the feared Brazilian cowboys for the gold. Angelina Jolie as Lara Craft says I should buy a Jeep Wrangler Rubicon. The movie was crap, and it is supposed to make me want to buy a truck? A truck! Some goofy looking idiot tells me to “Take the feeling of clean to the extreme” using Aquafresh extreme clean. Great, as if I didn’t all ready have Corn Nuts yelling their angry corn extremeness at me, now my toothpaste has to be “to the max!” And oh look, a bunch of pretty boys telling me I should buy this cologne. And by “telling me”, I mean the name of the cologne is in really tiny print in the corner to make room for me to stare at all the pretty men. Does this ad really help sales?

But I would buy a lifetime subscription to a magazine which had nothing but page after page of color ads, everyone of them for foot ointment, if it meant that I would never again be forced to suffer through an Old Navy TV Commercial. This isn’t a new hatred either. This one has been brewing for years, ever since it was that stupid dog and the old woman with the big glasses telling me about style. If there is ANYTHING the world needs less of, it is old women talking about style. But Old Navy insisted on showing me that goddamn woman over and over again until she died or something and I was finally free. I actually didn’t care about Old Navy, and even shopped there once in a while (because I go clothes shopping every single week) once those ads were gone. But then warning signs: Madonna and Missy Elliot?… that can’t be good… the Nanny looking hot?… that’s a sign of the apocalypse… Finally, things took a horrible turn for the worse. Fran Drescher saying “My shizzle is all fazizzle.” I’m sorry Snoop Dogg, but that will never be cool for you to say ever again. Fran Drescher ruined it for everyone. Oh, but I guess you don’t care, because there you are on a commercial hocking AOL 9.0.

But of course, Old Navy didn’t stop punishing me there. They went and hired Lil Kim to sell their clothes. Go back and reread that last sentence so it sinks in. Lil Kim is selling clothing. That’s like putting Lara Flynn Boyle in a commercial for Arby’s. I’ll bet she loves that Big Montana. Or maybe George C. Scott should recommend feminine hygiene products. Call them Patton’s Pro-rated Panty Protectors. The kids love alliteration. It isn't enough that I have to hear Fran Drescher bleating like a goat, I need to see Lil Kim prancing around with breasts bigger than her head.

It’s a good thing I like to buy stuff, otherwise I might have just stopped all together.

--Hawaii out


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