Thursday, December 18, 2003

awards for the sake of awards

It's the end of the year, so awards seem appropriate. That and I'm bored. So without further ado:

The Hawaii Says So Awards!

Most Underrated Hot Chick: The Orbit Gum girl. What makes her so attractive? Is it the winning smile? The sexy British accent? Or is it that she is a big fan of putting things in her mouth? The world may never know.

Best New Gaming Peripheral That Should Have Been Invented 10 Years Ago: Logitech 900 Wheel for PS2. You've had driving wheels available for gaming for just about ever. And just now are you coming out with wheels that act like an actual goddamn steering wheel. Good work, idiots.

Biggest Disappointment: The Paris Hilton Sex Video. Problem 1: Why the nightshot? What, you'll video tape yourself having sex, but you won't do it with the lights on? Problem 2: She spends more time mugging for the camera than anything else. Don't tell me you didn't want anyone to see it, you are so busy being a pretty girl and mugging for the camera you don't even enjoy the sex. Problem 3: The film has been edited down to a three minute clip. But it got "stolen" before it was released. That must be it, someone stole it, edited it way down, and then released it, instead of just releasing the whole thing. You certainly didn't edit it your damn self to make sure you looked as good as possible before releasing only the parts you wanted people to see. Problem 4: No facial. No anal. Someone needs to teach this girl how to make a porno. Seriously, I don't even know why I bothered to watch this like a bajillion times.

Best New Situation Comedy: Punching myself in the groin. No, seriously, they all blow. Don't watch any of them.

Most Inefficient Use of Promotion and Worst Conceptual Idea: Skin on Fox. We got bombarded by ads for a solid month before the premiere, including tons during the baseball postseason, and they cancelled it after 3 episodes. Gone, never to be seen again. Hmm, I wonder why? Maybe because having a weekly "Romeo and Juliet-esque" drama is stupid and pointless. Cancelled after 3 episodes sounds just about right, because that's about when the writers would write themselves into a corner. Episode 1: Mom/Dad: You can't see that boy/girl anymore! Boy/girl: I'll do what I want! Ron Silver: His father is the District Attorney! Episode 2: Mom/Dad: Our son ran away to be with that girl! Ron Silver: HIS FATHER IS THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY! Episode 3: Mom/Dad: Our daughter ran away to be with that boy! Ron Silver: HIS FATHER IS THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY! That's it, no more episodes left to write. Enjoy being cancelled.
Worst Publicity to Interest Ratio: J-Lo and Ben Affleck, or "Bennifer", if you like saying stupid things. Why could no one shut up about this stupid thing? I don't care! I don't even think Ben Affleck cares! Ben Affleck, by the way, star of the upcoming crapfest Paycheck. Ironic that the movie's title is the same reason he agreed to star in the movie. Oh no wait, I'm sure the script just blew him away.

Most Innocent: Michael Jackson. He didn't molest those children, he made love to them. And if it is a crime to love children, physically, well... maybe it shouldn't be.

Best Internet Journal: Kassandra. I've railed on web journals before (and if I haven't yet done it in print, I should), but hers is the exception to the rule that all personal online journals are boring and horrible. This one included. That and I can only marvel and envy the frequency at which she updates.

Best Movie of 2003: Army of Darkness. You can't name a single movie that's better. You could try, but you would be wrong.
Most Justifiable Stereotype: The French blowing. I have gone on record of my loathing of the French on numerous occasions. They have done nothing to prove otherwise.

Biggest Sellout: Jewel. Two years ago she was a hippie songwriter chick that published books of poetry. What's that, people pay money for trashy girls like Britney and Christina? Well Jewel better whore-herself up and ca-ching ca-ching! Behold the most socially uncomfortable slut this side of the Mississippi! Has she really fooled anyone into thinking that her new look isn't about money? If so, I have some great marshland I'm interested to sell them.

The "Makes Me Want To Stab Myself In The Ears" Award: Colin Quinn of Tough Crowd. Him stumbling through a joke, mumbling the punch line, and then getting visually upset when it doesn’t work is about as funny as finding out which kitchen utensil best punctures my kidney. Given the choice of listening to a Colin Quinn monologue and being teabagged by a sweaty fat guy, I'll take the fat guy.

The “Why Should I Care” Award: MTV’s Rich Girls. You are spoiled and obnoxious, so you get your own show, great. Good for you. Boo Hoo, you are crying because you wanted to paint, and you walked all the way to the store, and it was closed. Wow, you must be full of angst over these hardships! Let's look at some episode synopses: "The girls go shopping to a special boutique where "regular people" aren't allowed.", One of them gets in a "fight" with her ex-boyfriend (he has a new girlfriend, she is jealous) so "The girls decide they need a break from all the drama. So, the girls go to The Hilfiger estate in the British West Indies, of course!", the girls go on a road trip and "When it comes time to fill up the gas tank, the girls run into a slight they actually have to pump the gas themselves?". This goes on and on. Whiny rich girls who do nothing but talk about boys all the time. You want to know what men like? Non-whiny-bitches who can cook, and aren't fat. So sorry, you are pretty screwed.

Easiest Song to Get Stuck In Your Head: Outkast – Hey Ya. You can't tell me you haven't walked around singing this song in your head. You may have even clapped along. It's infectious, it takes hold, and it won't ever EVER leave.

Best Mother: My mom. Seriously, she's awesome, she puts up with a ton of my crap, and I just thought she deserved some acknowledgement for that. Now the question remains: why aren't you in the kitchen right now making me dinner, Mom?

Baddest Mother: Shaft. The man has his own bad-ass theme song. What have you ever done that is even half as cool as that?

Best Olsen Twin: Mary-Kate. That Ashley is such a whore.

The “Why Aren’t You Dead?” Award: Joan and Melissa Rivers. What purpose do these human beings even serve? Apparently, to scare school children into never going near a red carpet.

Least Effective Advertisements: Carrot Top for 1-800-CALL-ATT. So let me get this straight: You create some alternate reality where beautiful women fall in love with Carrot Top for his exceptional phone dialing ability, and this is supposed to make me forget that only cheap bastards call people collect in the first place?

Best Froot Loop: Red. All the other Loops wish they could be Red, but they just full short. Kellogg's should just make "Red Loops", they would make millions.

Most Ludicrous Organization: RIAA "Don't take our music or I'm gonna sue you!" What's a great way to get the public on your side, a conglomeration of multimillion dollar companies? It must be suing 12 year olds for thousands upon thousands of dollars. Hmm, I wonder why people download MP3s? I mean, why burn an album onto a disc that cost you a nickel when you can go to the store and pay $20? The RIAA is like the little rich kid who takes his toys and goes home.

Worst Fashion Mistake: Saddam Hussein - Long unkempt beards went out in the 60's, you damn hippie.

The "Repelled, Yet Strangely Attracted To" Award: Nicole Ritchie. She's fat, annoying, a bitch, has bulgy eyes, is the uglier of a pair of girls so her job is to make the other look hotter, and yet I still want to bang her. I'm guessing it's the money.

Best Guy of 2003: me. If you disagree, you can just fuck off.

--Hawaii out

Thursday, December 04, 2003

its a good thing I like to buy stuff

I hate advertising. It drives me insane. I can’t read a magazine without every other page blaring its wares at me. Flipping the pages: Ty Murray, Retired 7-Time World Champion All-Around Cowboy tells me I should chew tobacco. Is this a real title: World Chapion Cowboy? I’m sure it was a tight heat between him, the Mongolian cowboy team, and the feared Brazilian cowboys for the gold. Angelina Jolie as Lara Craft says I should buy a Jeep Wrangler Rubicon. The movie was crap, and it is supposed to make me want to buy a truck? A truck! Some goofy looking idiot tells me to “Take the feeling of clean to the extreme” using Aquafresh extreme clean. Great, as if I didn’t all ready have Corn Nuts yelling their angry corn extremeness at me, now my toothpaste has to be “to the max!” And oh look, a bunch of pretty boys telling me I should buy this cologne. And by “telling me”, I mean the name of the cologne is in really tiny print in the corner to make room for me to stare at all the pretty men. Does this ad really help sales?

But I would buy a lifetime subscription to a magazine which had nothing but page after page of color ads, everyone of them for foot ointment, if it meant that I would never again be forced to suffer through an Old Navy TV Commercial. This isn’t a new hatred either. This one has been brewing for years, ever since it was that stupid dog and the old woman with the big glasses telling me about style. If there is ANYTHING the world needs less of, it is old women talking about style. But Old Navy insisted on showing me that goddamn woman over and over again until she died or something and I was finally free. I actually didn’t care about Old Navy, and even shopped there once in a while (because I go clothes shopping every single week) once those ads were gone. But then warning signs: Madonna and Missy Elliot?… that can’t be good… the Nanny looking hot?… that’s a sign of the apocalypse… Finally, things took a horrible turn for the worse. Fran Drescher saying “My shizzle is all fazizzle.” I’m sorry Snoop Dogg, but that will never be cool for you to say ever again. Fran Drescher ruined it for everyone. Oh, but I guess you don’t care, because there you are on a commercial hocking AOL 9.0.

But of course, Old Navy didn’t stop punishing me there. They went and hired Lil Kim to sell their clothes. Go back and reread that last sentence so it sinks in. Lil Kim is selling clothing. That’s like putting Lara Flynn Boyle in a commercial for Arby’s. I’ll bet she loves that Big Montana. Or maybe George C. Scott should recommend feminine hygiene products. Call them Patton’s Pro-rated Panty Protectors. The kids love alliteration. It isn't enough that I have to hear Fran Drescher bleating like a goat, I need to see Lil Kim prancing around with breasts bigger than her head.

It’s a good thing I like to buy stuff, otherwise I might have just stopped all together.

--Hawaii out