Saturday, November 18, 2006

Chanticleer Mojo

Once upon a time, this humble little site dabbled in the arts known as mojo. As it's one loyal reader (Hi Joanna!) noticed, it took a bit of a layoff. Why? None of your business, you aren't my mom!

But every now and then a cry comes out for mojo. OK, twice. You may not remember the fighting Chanticleers of CCU, but they haven't forgotten their mojo. And with a Division 1-AA tournament bid on the line, and the hated rivals from Charleston Southern coming to their home football turf, the call has once again gone out for mojo's help.

Their opponents are the Charleston Southern University Buccaneers, a school arriving with powerful pirate mojo of there own. Pirates are cut throat, bloodthirsty, ruthless criminals, who's chief hobbies include murder, rape, stealing, treasure burying, stabbing, rape (they like it enough to mention it twice), and general mayhem. No pirate is one you want to mess with.

What? Seriously? CSU is a Baptist school? No no no, this will not do at all. This changes everything. Pirates take what they want, not ask politely and send a thank you note when they are done. While they may appreciate the concept of holding someone underwater until they come around to your way of thinking, any self-respecting pirate would want nothing to do with any nimby-pimby Baptist school.

As Mojo Ambassador to CCU Alex can attest, a pirate's number one goal is to be plundering booty, but just under that at a close second is having a good time. Which is why everyone at CCU needs a little Captain in them.

CSU can hope for all the pirate mojo in the world, but pirates know better. Two cutlasses on a logo may look nice and all, but any good pirate is a mercenary, and is going to go where the action is. And the action is most certainly to be found at Coastal Carolina. Pirate mojo was CSU's last great hope, and it has abandoned them, for the spirit of Captain Morgan needs to be in a place where the action just doesn't stop. After all, neither does he, it doesn't matter if he needs a break for some needed food.

Or even if it is starting to get a little creepy.

Pirates don't quit, and neither does CCU. Look a little closer on that shoulder. That's not a parrot, its a damn Chanticleer.

Friday, August 18, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS vs NYY Five Day 1

The Yankees come to town for a huge 5 game series at the Fens this weekend. With how these teams have been playing, this is a virtual ALDS for the American League East... except it's only August.

The first game of today's double header features a matchup of phallic proportions, as Johnson faces Wang. The two will try and pound the zone, and hope their balls don't get batted around or stroked too deep. The one who can keep the ball down and in will most likely come out on top. Despite their differences, there is one thing the two will certainly agree on: they are happy that there are no childish individuals who would make crude innuendos for their game today.

As for why the five fingers for today: Jason Johnson has yet to find any success in a Boston uniform, despite his talent. He isn't this bad. He just needs to remember how to pitch effectively, which is stored deep in his muscle memory. And if that doesn't work, he can still win the crowd over at least by delivering a message to the Yankees.

What did the five fingers say to the face?

A-ha ha ha. It's a celebration, bitches.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ KC - Tough Love Day 1

What a sorry bunch of losers you guys are. Things better start shaping up, or else you aren't going to like the consequences. For the pitchers, no one is safe. Tonight better turn around this string of poor performances from you guys, or else you better get used to seeing this:

And, as for you hitters? Don't think you guys are safe either. The whole lot of you could be producing better. Yes you too, David.

Maybe you should learn to rock a little harder, perhaps like someone who really knows how to win.

I think his two MVP awards show he's the player you should be emulating. Awards displayed in a case gilded with gold and encrusted with rare jewels, I might add.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS @ KC - GI Joe Day 1

Ruthlessly efficient. Master of stealth and deception, as well as multiple areas of combat. The last man you want to see melting out of the shadows. Snake Eyes is the ultimate commando, capable of taking on the most dangerous of missions and succeeding.

Jon Lester has the talent to cut through the Kansas City lineup as efficiently as one of Snake Eyes' trademark ninjato. With the Red Sox reeling in their past few games, they will need their new young ace-in-training to come through with a strong performance.

I said get a mask, Jon. That's a glove. You have a lot to learn about being a ninja.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

*MOJO* - BOS vs TB - Air Force Day 2

The Marine Harrier is one of the more versatile fighter jets in the US military. Capable of being deployed quickly and effectively nearly anywhere in the world, the Harrier is one of the few planes to utilize VTOL (Vertical Take Off and Landing), allowing it to perform with a minimal amount of runway. In fact, you may never know where one might turn up.

David Wells will need his curveball to drop out of site, just as the offense launches pitches in to orbit. Casey Fossum will never know what hit him.